In the first Place, I have the Charity to believe he has been egregiously impos’d upon, in Relation to the Character he has publish’d of Mr. Howard, whom he stiles, a Man of known Probity; whereas that Name is as notorious at Guildford, and the Parts adjacent, for denoting a Whisker, as ever mine was at Redriff, for establishing a Truth. Secondly, it must be consider’d that the Pleasure of being talk’d of, and heard to talk, in all Companies public and private, as the very second Discoverer (Mr. Howard being indisputably the first) of this extraordinary and præternatural Production, must needs swell the Mind of a raw Practitioner with Vanity, and make him run blindfold into a Series of Absurdities; no one of which, at another Time, would have found any Admittance within the Bar of his Judgment. And Thirdly, The Nature of Climates, together with the several Makes, Capacities and Tempers of the Inhabitants of different Countries, are the Reason why Things may appear puzzling and perplexing in one Place, which in another would be accounted for, with the greatest Ease and Certainty imaginable; and why that, which is here a Cause of the highest Ridicule, in a contrary Part of the Globe, would be the Occasion of raising a Man’s Character to the most exalted Pitch of Dignity and Reputation.
For Example, had a Native of the Kingdom of Lilliput, happen’d to be in this our Island, when the Story of the Rabbits was first vented at Court; and had such a one been dispatch’d to Guildford, in Order to enquire into the Truth of that Matter; upon the first View of those Pellets, against which Mr. St. André had no Objection, he, with his fine Microscopic Eyes, would have instantly discover’d every particular Herb the Creature had fed on that Meal. And what Mr. St. André calls a dirty-colour’d Mucus, such as is constantly found in the Bowels of all Fœtus Animals, and such as in those that void their Excrements in Pellets, is commonly hard and dry, our Lilliputian would have distinguish’d to have been nothing but a Parcel of mere Rabbit’s Dung, which to him would have appear’d as coarse and large as a Scavenger’s Load, fresh taken from a Butcher’s Lay-stall would do to us. And that which, in the middle of the Gut Ilium of the Cat, Mr. St. André thought was like a very small Fish Bones, the more quicksighted little Man would have demonstrated to have been nothing more than the Bones of a Herring, which that Creature had devoured a few Hours before it was thrust into the Vagina of Mary Toft’s Uterus. Tho’, as Arts are very much improv’d with us, I question whether a very ordinary magnifying Glass, such as Children use to divert themselves with, might not have made the Discovery as well.
But, if I am rightly inform’d, as to the Nature of Mr. St. André’s Education, I am strangely surpriz’d that He, of all People, should appear so unacquainted with the Materials of which the Strings of a Fiddle are compos’d.
Again, tho’, in any of the European Nations, those that pretend to any Skill in Anatomy or Midwifery would be scouted to Eternity for only questioning, or going to make Inquiry, whether it was possible for a Woman to be delivered of eighteen Rabbits, from two to four Months Growth; or a Fœtus of that Size, but just dead, and whose Flesh smelt like that of a Rabbit newly kill’d, should be voided in Fragments and Bits; or that the same Woman, notwithstanding all these Deliveries, should be, during the whole time, perfectly healthy and well, feeding on nothing but Beef, Red-herring, &c. or that a Piece of Hog’s Bladder could be part of the Chorion, or Membrane of the Placenta; yet give me leave to say, that in the Kingdom of Balnibarbi, these things would appear in quite another Light. There, tho’ a Virtuoso should only endeavour at a Demonstration of this kind, spend many Years in the Attempt, and all his Labours prove abortive at last, yet would his Suppositions be sure to meet with so kind a Reception from the publick, as to procure, at least, his being adopted, nemine contradicente, into the Academy of Sciences there; (of which I profess my self an unworthy Member.) Nay, it is ten to one but he would be taken up into the floating Island, and appointed Anatomist extraordinary to the Court of Laputa.
Such is the Use I am always determin’d to make of this my Knowledge of the World and Mankind. As I will not suffer any upstart Pretender, of what Profession soever, to monopolize and vend his Absurdities within this my native Country, without such Animadversions as may serve to warn the publick against him: So, on the other side, if he happens to have any Merit which would shine and be distinguish’d in other Regions of the Earth, I shall be ready to do Justice in that Point also, by letting him know in what part of the World he may be sure to find a proper Reward.
But I can’t conclude, without seriously lamenting the great Detriment like to accrue to our Nation by the Stir which has been made about this foul Imposture, both by the Actors and Examiners of it; and that as well in regard to the Warreners and Poulterers, (who complain that the Consumption of Rabbits, within this Metropolis, is become, by two thirds, less than it was formerly;) as in relation to those obscene and indecent Images, which for more than these nine Days last past, beyond all Example, have fill’d the Minds, and furnish’d out the Conversation of People of all Ranks, Ages and Conditions. And whether Ideas of this Nature are fit to be put into the Heads of rude Boys, Boarding-school Girls, and Old Maids, I leave every discreet and prudent Matron to judge.
FINIS.
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