“If you address a Ghost as ‘Thing!’
Or strike him with a hatchet,
He is permitted by the King
To drop all formal parleying—
And then you’re sure to catch it!

“The Fourth prohibits trespassing
Where other Ghosts are quartered:
And those convicted of the thing
(Unless when pardoned by the King)
Must instantly be slaughtered.
“That simply means ‘be cut up small’:
Ghosts soon unite anew:
The process scarcely hurts at all—
Not more than when you’re what you call
‘Cut up’ by a Review.
“The Fifth is one you may prefer
That I should quote entire:—
The King must be addressed as ‘Sir.’
This, from a simple courtier,
Is all the Laws require:
“But, should you wish to do the thing
With out-and-out politeness,
Accost him as ‘My Goblin King!’
And always use, in answering,
The phrase ‘Your Royal Whiteness!’

“I’m getting rather hoarse, I fear,
After so much reciting:
So, if you don’t object, my dear,
We’ll try a glass of bitter beer—
I think it looks inviting.”

CANTO III.

Scarmoges.

“And did you really walk,” said I,
“On such a wretched night?
I always fancied Ghosts could fly—
If not exactly in the sky,
Yet at a fairish height.”
“It’s very well,” said he, “for Kings
To soar above the earth:
But Phantoms often find that wings—
Like many other pleasant things—
Cost more than they are worth.
“Spectres of course are rich, and so
Can buy them from the Elves:
But we prefer to keep below—
They’re stupid company, you know.
For any but themselves: