Book of Etiquette, Volume I

by Lillian Eichler Watson

THE PALL-BEARERS

If a guard of honor is to be appointed, the person in charge should consult the wishes of the immediate family. Those who are asked to serve receive an invitation by note or by messenger, sent either by the head of the family of the deceased or by the person in charge. Relatives are seldom appointed as pall-bearers. A request to serve as pall-bearer should be refused only for the most imperative reasons.

The number and age of the pall-bearers is a matter of taste and not of obligation. But it is considered good form to have six young girls, dressed in white, as the guard of honor for a young girl or woman. They should be selected from among intimate friends. Similarly, six young men are appropriate for a young man who has died; while for an elderly married man, eight gentlemen from among his closest friends and business associates form the usual guard of honor.

The pall-bearers, in the invitation, are told just when they are expected to assemble at the house of the deceased, and they should make it a particular point to be on time. There can be no greater breach of good manners, and in fact no greater unkindness, than to keep a funeral party waiting. If the pall-bearers are to be women, the carriages or cars may be sent for them individually; but as a general rule, pall-bearers are shown to their carriage or car before the door, when the funeral procession begins.

It is customary for all who attend a church funeral to assemble at the church, but this rule does not pertain to the pall-bearers. They are the only ones who accompany the immediate family and relatives from the house. Unless a special request to the contrary has been made, pall-bearers may send flowers if they wish.

DUTIES OF PALL-BEARERS

A prompt answer is necessary upon receipt of an invitation to serve as pall-bearer. Illness or absence from town at the time of the funeral are the only excuses for refusing to accept the invitation. The written answer must be followed by a personal call at the home of the deceased, and cards must be left.

Formerly the duty of the pall-bearer was to carry the cloth or velvet pall that covered the coffin—hence the name. Later the custom developed into a more important duty—the pall-bearers actually carried the casket into and out of the church. This is still done, although now the accepted form is for the pall-bearers to appear solely as a guard of honor for the dead.

In this latter case, they walk before the casket which is carried by the undertaker's or sexton's assistants. They halt before the hearse and stand in silent reverence with heads uncovered, while the casket is being placed into it, and again when it is taken out to be conveyed into the church. They do not enter their cars until the hearse has passed on ahead.

Each pall-bearer should speak a few words of condolence to the members of the bereaved family. However, he must not make obvious efforts to observe this duty, nor must he intrude upon grief. He offers his words of comfort only when it is convenient and when he is brought, by his duties, into the presence of his sorrowing friends. He should be kind, and most of all, tactful. He should not say anything that will cause a fresh outburst of grief.