“In those pioneer days of chicle, there was no flavouring to lend enchantment to the gum, and it was chewing for the sake of chewing. However, once the children found out what a source of annoyance this chewing gum proved to be to teachers, guardians, and parents, its success was assured, for let the juvenile American public decide favourably upon a thing and other verdicts can condemn in vain. Later, when all protests were futile, the elders had to take to chewing in sheer self-defence.
“To such vast proportions has this habit grown that at the present day the energy used in chewing gum is sufficient to propel a ferry-boat from New York Harbour to Hong Kong, China. In electrical terms a current powerful enough to lift 43,305,505 tons 34,000 miles per minutes per second per kilowatt hour.
“But to offset these stupendous figures in this loss of jaw-power one must stop to think of the good chicle has brought to the American public.
“It has been the means of having all cars and other transportation service hang signs in conspicuous places warning the passengers to conform to the City Health Laws—hence the floors of public places have been neater and cleaner than ever before.
“It has been the means of furnishing suitable slot-machines at every corner, in every popular store, and at every post in railway stations of every description. These boxes must needs attract the people for the gum, so they were equipped with mirror fronts to enable the ever-neat but not gaudy passengers to see that their hats were on straight, that tips of noses were properly powdered, that neckties were tied in the latest knot, or that Kaiser moustaches were twisted up at the correct angle—free from any thoughts of vanity, of course. While viewing these important details of toilettes folks naturally read the signs assuring them of the life-giving, harmony-creating, beauty-producing chicle.
“Now friends, the answer is: Drop one cent in the slot, take the minute package that shoots out into the pan, start chewing on the fragrant chicle, and sit in a subway car opposite other masticating engines, and you will see other hapless passengers run from the car at the next station and secure a similar package to that your cent brought forth. Such is the power of suggestion on a subway. The vaccination always takes!”
As Zan read, the audience had tittered, but when she concluded and sat down the younger contingent laughed outright and “How’ed!” Then Miss Miller stood up.
“O Chief, I am not sure whether that essay deserves a coup or a Chump Mark.”
Mr. Remington then jumped up. “It sounded as if our esteemed Chief was hired by the chicle company as a salesman or demonstrator of their products!”
“O Chief!” added Mrs. Remington. “I vote that the writer be awarded an honour as it is interesting and instructive to learn how great and universal has the pernicious habit of gum-chewing grown in this thoughtless age. Perhaps a few more notices like this will rouse the people to consider the final results of indulging in weakening and disgusting habits like continual chewing.”