DEDICATION.
It seems the printer has left a blank place on this page for a “dedication.” In the early stages of this work, it is true, the author had thought of inscribing it to a wealthy aunt, (who has no other incumbrances,) but on more mature deliberation he has decided to send her instead a nice china shaving mug appropriately inscribed in gold letters, “Forget me Not.” It will look less pointed.
CONTENTS.
| PAGE. | |
|---|---|
| Chapter I.—A Few Stubborn Facts not wholly Unconnected with the Discovery of America | [13] |
| Chapter II.—In which the Early Life of this Man Columbus is Inquired into—Disappointed Parents—The Bane of Genius—“Pooh-Pooh!”—Convincing Arguments | [18] |
| Chapter III.—Treats of other Discoveries and Does Great Credit to the Author’s Sense of Justice | [27] |
| Chapter IV.—Having to his Entire Satisfaction Settled the Question as to who Discovered America, the Author Proceeds to Settle the Country Itself—John Smith is Mentioned—John Smith on the Rostrum—John Smith in Difficulties—The Plot Thickens as far as J. Smith is Concerned—The Death Penalty—Slow Music—**** Saved! | [30] |
| Chapter V.—Treats of the Early History of Massachusetts and Makes Mention of a Pilgrim Father or two, also Shows what a Good Memory the Author has for Dates | [44] |
| Chapter VI.—Connecticut—Indian Definition Extraordinary—What the Dutch Thought of the English, and what the English Thought of the Dutch—Story of the Charter Oak—Wooden Nutmegs Invented | [50] |
| Chapter VII.—Rhode Island—Roger Williams “Dealt” With—A Desperate Dissenter | [56] |
| Chapter VIII.—New Hampshire—Slim Picking—An Effective Indian Policy—John Smith again Comes out Strong | [59] |
| Chapter IX.—Some Unreliable Statements Concerning the Early History of New York—Traces of a Great Undertaking—Advance in Real Estate—“Look Here upon this Picture and on This” | [64] |
| Chapter X.—A Flood of Historical Light is Let in upon New Jersey—Aborigines—The First Boarding House—Organ-Grinding as a Fine Art | [69] |
| Chapter XI.—Pennsylvania Seen Through a Glass Darkly—Wm. Penn Stands Treat—A Striking Resemblance—How to Preserve the Hair | [74] |
| Chapter XII.—Maryland Settled—What’s in a Name?—Peculiar Monetary System | [77] |
| Chapter XIII.—Two Birds Killed with One Stone—A Colored Citizen Declares his Intentions—In Settling North and South Carolina the Author is Himself Unsettled | [80] |
| Chapter XIV.—Georgia Slavery—A Dark Subject | [84] |
| Chapter XV.—English vs. French—Pursuit of Bull-Frogs under Difficulties—Truth Stranger than Fiction | [85] |
| Chapter XVI.—The Navigation Acts—Illicit Toothpicks—A Cargo of Tea Unloaded—Pork and Beans as a Beverage—Rumors of War | [90] |
| Chapter XVII.—Revolutionary—A Row at Concord—A Masterly Retreat—The British Count Noses | [96] |
| Chapter XVIII.—Full Account of the Battle of Bunker Hill—False Teeth and Heroism—Are Republics Ungrateful? | [99] |
| Chapter XIX.—Still Revolutionary—The First Fourth of July Takes Place—Declaration of Independence—An Able Document—Parliament is Much Moved and Gets out Yellow Handbills | [103] |
| Chapter XX.—Revolutionary as Before—“Place None but Americans on Guard To-night”—Christmas Festivities—Almost a Victory—A Britisher Shows Washington Great Disrespect—Washington Crossing the Delaware | [108] |
| Chapter XXI.—More Revolutionary than Ever—Lively Times at a Watering Place—The Stars and Stripes Invented | [114] |
| Chapter XXII.—Imprudent Conduct of Benedict Arnold—A Real Estate Speculation—$50,000 the Price of Liberty (Terms Cash)—Major André Seriously Compromised—Suspense—Evil Communications—A Tale-Bearing Yellow Dog | [117] |
| Chapter XXIII.—The Affairs of the Revolution Wound Up—Cornwallis Steps Down and Out | [131] |
| Chapter XXIV.—An Incident of the Revolution | [135] |
| Chapter XXV.—This History Dabbles in Politics much against its Wishes—Preliminary Observations—A Chapter of Accidents and Presidents—“Lives of Great Men all Remind us” | [146] |
| Chapter XXVI.—Progress—Our Patent Office Report—Is Necessity the Mother of Invention?—A Case in Contradiction—Electrical Kite—The Cotton Gin—The First Railway Train—The First Steamboat—The Printing Press—The Atlantic Cable—Mormonism—An Apparatus—Art Matters | [184] |
| Chapter XXVII.—Some Aboriginal Ideas—Wise Men at Work—Mound Building from Force of Habit—Subterranean Miscellany—The Lost Tribe Theory Won’t Do—Autograph Specimen of Picture Writing—Light at Last—Picturesque Habits of the Indians | [206] |
| Chapter XXVIII.—American Scenery | [216] |
| Chapter XXIX.—Some Word Painting on the Subject of the American Eagle—The Affairs of this Strange, Eventful History Wound Up | [220] |
PREMONITORY SYMPTOMS.
The compilation of a history of any country is a serious matter, and should not be entered upon rashly. Before undertaking the present work, therefore, the author deliberated for twenty-nine years and six months, and then, having consulted the best legal as well as medical authorities, entered upon the task with fear and trembling. He hired a vacant lot on Nassau street, and fenced it in, and there, surrounded by the paraphernalia of literature and art, he went to work with pen and pencil to jot down the leading incidents of American history to the best of a somewhat defective memory.
The illustrations have been our chief care, though the letter-press will be found equally reliable. It was our original plan to flavor these pages with a spice of romance, but after a prolonged altercation with Mr. Carleton, our publisher, we decided to adhere strictly to facts. If the reader should happen to detect any slight anachronism in this work, or has reason to suspect that the unities have been lost sight of in a single instance, he will please notify us as early as possible.
When it first became noised abroad that we contemplated bringing out an illustrated history of the United States we were deluged with letters from a host of well-disposed persons, such as Thomas Carlyle, James Parton, Wendell Phillips and others of more or less literary ability, offering to “write up” to our pictures. Mr. Carlyle said he could do it nights. But the public was not to be trifled with, so we resolved to put our shoulder to the literary as well as the artistic wheel, as it were, and we flatter ourselves we have demonstrated in these pages that truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
Our task is completed, and we lay aside pen and pencil, feeling that we have done the State a service and that a great load is off our mind. If the work we have just completed shall run through several editions we shall feel that the State has proved sufficiently grateful, and that a still greater load is off our mind.