We have always from childhood’s hour instinctively recoiled from politics, and have thus far managed to keep out of Congress. If with equal success we can manage to keep out of jail for the rest of our natural existence we shall feel that life has not altogether been a failure. (This is what is called genuine broad American humor. If the reader can find nothing in it to excite his risibilities after a reasonable trial his money will be refunded.)
When it first reached the ears of the present Administration through the Librarian of Congress, to whom we applied for a copyright, that we were about to publish a history of our native land, we received per return mail a letter signed by the Administration, asking us if we would accept the appointment of U. S. Minister to the South Sea Islands. This office had just been made vacant by the circumstance of the last incumbent having participated in a public banquet given in honor of his arrival at his consulate, and being himself the principal ingredient of a certain savory ragout, his presence there, it would seem, proved fatal, and it was his place which we were invited to supply.
We returned a somewhat evasive answer.
We never voted but once in our life, and that was at a presidential election soon after reaching our majority. We voted for ——, but no matter. To offend party prejudice at this time might be fatal to our hopes. The day after the election we received a bill of two dollars for “poll-tax,” which the collector said we owed and we had better pay or have our body lodged in the county jail until we should call for it, and settle up what was due on it to the State. The unprincipled man had obtained our address from the registry books, and this our first ebullition of patriotism cost us two dollars.
However much inclined we may be by nature and experience to avoid the subject of politics as a rule, it now becomes our duty to make mention of certain exponents of American politics, but whether to their advantage or disadvantage will depend entirely upon the record they have left behind them.
We take it for granted, (you may have noticed that a great deal is taken for granted in this book,) that the reader is already acquainted with the duties of the President of the United States. If not, let him lose no time in reading up on the subject, for we are all liable at any moment to be nominated to the office, and it would be dreadfully mortifying not to know how to go to work.
We have seen in the preceding chapters how liberty was planted on American soil, but the crop must be watched and taken care of, and for this duty the office of President was created. Eighteen different persons have successively undertaken the contract of guarding the crop sown by our forefathers, and in one or two incidents, we regret to say, these have turned out to be mere scarecrows, and sorry ones at that.
This scathing remark is not intended to apply to
George Washington,
who, as we have already shown, was the first President of the United States, and who did as well as could be expected for a first attempt. In fact, George did well whatever he undertook to do, and we have no complaint to make in these pages against him.