“Break off your idle habits; say good-by to your fun-loving companions, and begin to work right earnestly. This is the way others have done.”
“I ought to do it; but it is too late.”
“And you will oblige your mother to take that little sister from school?”
“Oh, I hope not; she is not so poor as she thinks. True, I have been spending a good deal this winter. Gilmore has a rich father, and I could not bear to be shabby in the suppers.”
This was my last year at Rockdale; and if the service was pleasanter, it was not less arduous. I had very little time for myself, a half hour’s stroll at twilight being my only recreation. Still I believed that I was improving, both intellectually and morally; and this sufficed me. Jennie was also climbing the hill of science rapidly. Frank Clavers’ sister had returned the year previous from boarding-school; and being pleased with Jennie, and learning that she could sing, she had offered to give her lessons in music. Seeing her fondness for books, Miss Clavers soon kindly offered to help her here also. This called for additional gratitude on my part; I had felt so troubled about this little sister, whom my mother left in my charge. Doing for myself, I hardly felt it to be right not to aid her personally more than my duties would allow. Now she had the benefit of example, and also the instruction of a young lady who was said to be a finished scholar.
Thus easily I slipped into Robert Lovell’s place as tutor, and also into his class in Sabbath-school. Teaching others is one of the best means of self-culture; and I was in this way sent to my Bible, if not more frequently, at least with a more intense desire to understand its teachings. Thinking, studying, meditating, I drew nearer the cross each day; each day began to realize more perfectly the beauty of His words who spake as never man spake, the glory of his countenance beaming with untold love; the terrible agony he suffered on the cross; his willingness to forgive sin; and above all, the encouragement in coming to him freely, as to a friend loved and confided in. Oh, why had I not seen this before? I had hopes that I did love him—that I did trust him—that I did follow him; but Oh, it was so far off. Had I been near, I should never have doubted as I had done; I should never have gone through all these months with my heart heavy, the waters going over my soul, striving to do only because I knew it to be right, and only half trusting the divine promise, “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” Oh, blind and foolish heart, thus to grope in darkness when He was waiting with outstretched arms to receive thee.
How bright and beautiful my pathway now opened before me. Not that barriers were all removed, obstacles all cleared away; but I no longer felt troubled with a weak, half trust. I knew His promises were sure; that he would not leave me; that he would be in reality not a personal friend merely, but one closer than a brother. A long time had I been learning the lesson of his love, a long time discovering the depth of his tenderness; now, satisfied to rest on him, I found it joy unutterable.
XII.
My first vacation after leaving Rockdale was spent with Mr. Wyman. Four years since I had left him, poor and ignorant. Now, I certainly was not any richer. Still I had advanced in knowledge of books and in mental discipline; and although my longing after an education was not in the least abated, I had learned there is nothing really desirable in comparison with the fear of God and true holiness. I did not care now to choose in what part of his vineyard I should work. I only wished to labor for him; and to do this effectually, I must not falter in my purpose of an education.