She could perhaps persuade Sybil to wait a year or two and so put off the evil day, yet such an idea was even more abhorrent to her. The very panic which sometimes seized her at the thought of turning slowly into an old woman lay also at the root of her refusal to delay Sybil’s marriage. What was happening to Sybil had never happened to herself and never could happen now; she was too old, too hard, even too cynical. When one was young like Jean and Sybil, one had an endless store of faith and hope. There was still a glow over all life, and one ought to begin that way. Those first years—no matter what came afterward—would be the most precious in all their existence; and looking about her, she thought, “There are so few who ever have that chance, so few who can build upon a foundation so solid.”
Sometimes there returned to her a sudden twinge of the ancient, shameful jealousy which she had felt for Sybil’s youth that suffocating night on the terrace overlooking the sea. (In an odd way, all the summer unfolding itself slowly seemed to have grown out of that night.)
No, in the end she returned always to the same thought ... that she would sacrifice everything to the perfection of this thing which existed between Sybil and the impatient, red-haired young man.
When she was honest with herself, she knew that she would have had no panic, no terror, save for O’Hara. Save for him she would have had no fear of growing old, of seeing Sybil married and finding herself a grandmother. She had prayed for all these things, even that Fate should send Sybil just such a lover; and now that her prayer was answered there were times when she wished wickedly that he had not come, or at least not so promptly. When she was honest, the answer was always the same ... that O’Hara had come to occupy the larger part of her interest in existence.
In the most secret part of her soul, she no longer pretended that her feeling for him was only one of friendship. She was in love with him. She rose each morning joyfully to ride with him across the meadows, pleased that Sybil came with them less and less frequently; and on the days when he was kept in Boston a cloud seemed to darken all her thoughts and actions. She talked to him of his future, his plans, the progress of his campaign, as if already she were his wife or his mistress. She played traitor to all her world whose fortunes rested on the success and power of his political enemies. She came to depend upon his quick sympathy. He had a Gaelic way of understanding her moods, her sudden melancholy, that had never existed in the phlegmatic, insensitive world of Pentlands.
She was honest with herself after the morning when, riding along the damp, secret paths of the birch thicket, he halted his horse abruptly and with a kind of anguish told her that he could no longer go on in the way they were going.
He said, “What do you want me to do? I am good for nothing. I can think of nothing but you ... all day and all night. I go to Boston and try to work and all the while I’m thinking of you ... thinking what is to be done. You must see what hell it is for me ... to be near you like this and yet to be treated only as a friend.”
Abruptly, when she turned and saw the suffering in his eyes, she knew there was no longer any doubt. She asked sadly, “What do you want me to do? What can I do? You make me feel that I am being the cheapest, silliest sort of woman.” And in a low voice she added, “I don’t mean to be, Michael.... I love you, Michael.... Now I’ve told you. You are the only man I’ve ever loved ... even the smallest bit.”
A kind of ecstatic joy took possession of him. He leaned over and kissed her, his own tanned face dampened by her tears.
“I’m so happy,” she said, “and yet so sad....”