He poured out a full glass and seated himself once more, drinking the stuff slowly while he talked.
“So we were married, I thinking that I was in love with her, because I knew nothing of such things ... nothing. It wasn’t really love, you see.... Olivia, I’m going to tell you the truth ... everything ... all of the truth. It wasn’t really love, you see. It was only that she was the only woman I had ever approached in that way ... and I was a strong, healthy young man.”
He began to speak more and more slowly, as if each word were thrust out by an immense effort of will. “And she knew nothing ... nothing at all. She was,” he said bitterly, “all that a young woman was supposed to be. After the first night of the honeymoon, she was never quite the same again ... never quite the same, Olivia. Do you know what that means? The honeymoon ended in a kind of madness, a fixed obsession. She’d been brought up to think of such things with a sacred horror and there was a touch of madness in her family. She was never the same again,” he repeated in a melancholy voice, “and when Anson was born she went quite out of her head. She would not see me or speak to me. She fancied that I had disgraced her forever ... and after that she could never be left alone without some one to watch her. She never went out again in the world....”
The voice died away into a hoarse whisper. The glass of whisky had been emptied in a supreme effort to break through the shell which had closed him in from all the world, from Olivia, whom he cherished, perhaps even from Mrs. Soames, whom he had loved. In the distance the music still continued, this time as an accompaniment to the hard, loud voice of Thérèse singing, I’m in love again and the spring is a-comin’.... Thérèse, the dark, cynical, invincible Thérèse for whom life, from frogs to men, held very few secrets.
“But the story doesn’t end there,” continued John Pentland weakly. “It goes on ... because I came to know what being in love might be when I met Mrs. Soames.... Only then,” he said sadly, as if he saw the tragedy from far off as a thing which had little to do with him. “Only then,” he repeated, “it was too late. After what I had done to her, it was too late to fall in love. I couldn’t abandon her. It was impossible. It ought never to have happened.” He straightened his tough old body and added, “I’ve told you all this, Olivia, because I wanted you to understand why sometimes I am....” He paused for a moment and then plunged ahead, “why I am a beast as I was yesterday. There have been times when it was the only way I could go on living.... And it harmed no one. There aren’t many who ever knew about it.... I always hid myself. There was never any spectacle.”
Slowly Olivia’s white hand stole across the polished surface of the desk and touched the brown, bony one that lay there now, quietly, like a hawk come to rest. She said nothing and yet the simple gesture carried an eloquence of which no words were capable. It brought tears into the burning eyes for the second time in the life of John Pentland. He had wept only once before ... on the night of his grandson’s death. And they were not, Olivia knew, tears of self-pity, for there was no self-pity in the tough, rugged old body; they were tears at the spectacle of a tragedy in which he happened by accident to be concerned.
“I wanted you to know, my dear Olivia ... that I have never been unfaithful to her, not once in all the years since our wedding-night.... I know the world will never believe it, but I wanted you to know because, you see, you and Mrs. Soames are the only ones who matter to me ... and she knows that it is true.”
And now that she knew the story was finished, she did not go away, because she knew that he wanted her to stay, sitting there beside him in silence, touching his hand. He was the sort of man—a man, she thought, like Michael—who needed women about him.
After a long time, he turned suddenly and asked, “This boy of Sybil’s—who is he? What is he like?”
“Sabine knows about him.”