IT was Lily who in the end mentioned the affair. She spoke of it as they sat at lunch in the paneled dining room.
“Mama,” she said suddenly, “tells me that you know all about Jean.”
“Yes,” replied Mrs. Tolliver, in a queer unearthly voice. “She told me.”
“I’m glad, because I wanted to tell you before, only she wouldn’t let me. She said you wouldn’t understand.”
There was an awesome little pause and Mrs. Tolliver, her fork poised, said, “I don’t quite understand, Lily. I must say it’s puzzling. But I guessed you knew what you were doing. It wasn’t as if you were a common woman who took lovers.” She must have seen the faint tinge of color that swept over Lily’s face, but she continued in the manner of a virtuous woman doing her duty, seeing a thing in the proper light, being fair and honest. “I guessed there was some reason. Of course, I wouldn’t want a daughter of mine to do such a thing. I would rather see her in her grave.”
Her manner was emphatic and profound. It was clear that however she might forgive Lily in the eyes of the world, she had her own opinions which none should ever know but herself and Lily.
Lily blushed, the color spreading over her lovely face to the soft fringe of her hair. “You needn’t worry, Cousin Hattie,” she said. “Ellen would never do such a thing. You see, Ellen is complete. She doesn’t need anything but herself. She’s not like me at all. She isn’t weak. She would never do anything because she lost her head.”
Ellen’s mother, who had stopped eating, regarded her with a look of astonishment. “But your mother said you hadn’t lost your head. She said it was you who wouldn’t marry the Governor.”
Lily’s smile persisted. She leaned over to touch her cousin’s hand, gently as though pleading with her to be tolerant.
“It’s true,” she said. “Some of what mother told you. It’s true about my refusing to marry him. You see the trouble is that I’m not afraid when I should be. I’m not afraid of the things I should be afraid of. When there is danger, I can’t run away. If I could run away I’d be saved, but I can’t. Something makes me see it through. It’s something that betrays me ... something that is stronger than myself. That’s what happened with the Governor. It was I who was more guilty than he. It is I who played with fire. If I was not unwilling, what could you expect of him ... a man. Men love the strength of women as a refuge from their own weakness.” She paused and her face grew serious. “When it was done, I was afraid ... not afraid, you understand of bearing a child or even afraid of what people would say of me. I was afraid of losing myself, because I knew I couldn’t always love him.... I knew it. I knew it. I knew that something had betrayed me. I couldn’t give up all my life to a man because I’d given an hour of it to him. I was afraid of what he would become. Can you understand that? That was the only thing I was afraid of ... nothing else but that. It was I who was wrong in the very beginning.”