Eline grew impatient. It was true Otto had asked her, but she could not yet decide, and it annoyed her. How every one seemed to know about it, and gave her unasked advice! how every one in veiled and open terms dared to make all sorts of representations to Betsy! others, under the cloak of intimacy, had even whispered in her sister’s ears that she should urge Eline to declare herself. She now had had enough of these indiscretions, and she was on the point of giving Madame van Raat a sharp answer, but she restrained herself, and gave no sign of her annoyance, whilst she murmured close to the old lady’s ear—
“Well, what should I have told you? It is true Erlevoort has proposed to me; but I could not talk about it before I knew myself what I should do.”
And she just glanced at Paul, but quickly turned her head away again, feeling annoyed too with him, for he looked at her intently, as if he wanted to catch her words. Anyhow, she was not going to satisfy their unmannerly curiosity, and she rose and put a stop to Madame van Raat’s chat—from which it appeared that the old lady liked Otto very much—with a kiss and a few little words of endearment.
And the increased lovingness of Madame van Raat’s trembling kiss, no less than the playfulness that twinkled in Paul’s eyes, annoyed and irritated her, whilst she was waiting for Ben, as his grandma was still caressing him in her arms.
No; Eline did not know how to decide. She shuddered at taking a step that could make her happy or unhappy for life. It seemed to her as though her future depended only on one single word, which she hesitated to utter. She shuddered at the very idea of a mariage de raison, because in her heart she felt a longing for love, much love, although it was a feeling which she had done her best to repress after her recent disappointment. And Otto—she had danced with him, had laughed and joked with him, but never had his image held her thoughts even for a moment, and she had always forgotten him as soon as she heard or saw him no longer. When, however, she saw through his earnest simplicity of character, when she guessed that he loved her, the idea was sweet to her, and she told herself that it would pain her were she to cause him grief, or to [[139]]refuse him anything, even her hand. And whilst she thus wilfully blinded herself, the rapture of his quiet passion for her seemed to pour balm into her wounded heart.
The thought of becoming his wife, under the influence of her self-deception, filled her with a serene joy; something like a sweet vision arose to her mind, and—she began to look at the matter from a financial point of view.
Yes; the idea was a cheering one. To be quite independent, to leave her sister’s house, where, notwithstanding her own little private fortune, she felt as though she were in fetters, something like a troublesome guest, whose presence was tolerated for the sake of the world’s opinion. But beneath all these various reasons which allured her to welcome Otto with a calm pleasure, there lurked, like an adder as it were, invisible to her own eye, the bitter regret at the ruin of her shattered fantasies, and if ever she gave herself away to Otto, it would be in order to be avenged on Fabrice, and on herself.
In the meantime, as soon as he had proposed, as soon as it became necessary for her to reflect, and there was no overwhelming wealth of passion to which she could yield herself up, she had stepped back full of terror at the ordeal of giving her decision.
He, Otto, waited; he at least was discreet. For some days past he had avoided the house of the van Raats, and she wanted to reward him for his discretion; blushingly she had asked Betsy to send him a personal, intimate invitation, as she did to Freddie and Etienne.
He would come, she would speak to him; and it seemed to her as if some unseen power pushed her forward down a steep path; as if she would act otherwise than she did, but that she was powerless to escape her fate. It seemed to her as though, blindfolded, she groped about after her happiness, stretching forth her hands in anxious, breathless suspense, and listening to something that seemed like the echo of the happiness that she was never, never to find.