"I am most thankful, if it were so," said I, when I could speak; and then I told Mistress Curtis of the dear loyal soul's trouble because no one had made the pilgrimage to Walsingham on behalf of her dead mistress.
"And was it even so, poor soul?" said Mistress Curtis. "I doubt not, many hearts are aching from the same cause in these days of change and shaking. May the time soon come when all shall know the blessing of a free redemption. Master Corbet says he never saw any one pass more peacefully than Mistress Patience."
"Is my cousin well?" I forced myself to say. I had never yet brought myself to speak his name.
"I do not think him well," answered Mistress Curtis. "He hath been very anxious for you, and I think he works and studies too hard, for he grows pale and thin. He talks of resigning his post, and going back to his cure in the west, but I trust he will not do so, for the sake of one young gentleman over whom he hath come to maintain a great influence."
It was a joy to me to hear Walter praised, but I could not bring myself to say any more about him. I had had plenty of time to think and to examine myself since I began to recover, spending as I did a good many hours alone. I knew well enough what Walter was to me, and I to him. I had been thrown a deal into his company for a good while before I was sick, he having undertaken in some degree the direction of my Lady Frances's education. We had been brought up together as children, which naturally threw us upon more familiar terms than would otherwise have subsisted between us. It was not strange that another and dearer feeling should have arisen, and that without either being aware of it till the shock of my accident had revealed us to each other.
But what could ever come of it? Only for that fatal vow of celibacy, we might have married and settled like other folk, for our kinship was hardly near enough for the need of a dispensation even in the days of dispensation, and nobody thought of such a thing now. But there it was, an iron bar in the way, or rather a grated gate fast locked and the key whereof is held by some one far-away. We could see one another, indeed, but that was all, and under the circumstances, it was better to avoid even that.
Yes, it was far better for me to go away, and a wild unreasoning desire for flight and change of place took possession of me. I do not think any one guessed at the truth, except the Duchess herself. She has since told me that she saw it at once, and not at that time perceiving any remedy, she did the more willingly part with me. Lady Frances was loud in her lamentations, and inclined to be vexed with me for wishing to leave her; but a few words from her mother calmed her anger, or rather turned it upon herself, for being, as she said, so selfish as to desire to keep me for my hurt.
Both the Duchess and Lady Frances loaded me with presents of every thing they thought I would like, and I found myself heir to all Mistress Patience's possessions, among which were a good many jewels of no small value, which I hesitated about taking till the Duchess pressed them upon me.
"You cannot well take the cabinet, so I will have it cared for till you are settled in a home of your own," said she.
"That will never be," said I, involuntarily.