About this time Father Martien was called away, and I made my confessions to a fat old priest at our parish church, who, I am persuaded, used to doze through half the time of confession and take snuff the other half. He was very kind, however, and gave me easy penances and plentiful absolutions. My religion had by this time become the merest form, kept up to save appearances, but now and then would recur the thought that perhaps Father Martien was right after all, and if so why I was living in mortal sin, a sacrilegious person for whom millions of ages in purgatory would be of no avail. Thus I was tossed from one doubt to another, and found comfort nowhere.
The discomfort of my mind could not but react upon my body. I grew pale, sallow, and was miserably unwell. My aunt lamented the loss of my beauty, and predicted that I should never find a husband. A husband indeed was what I now feared most of all. I determined that I would die before I would accept one, and then came the thought that not death would be the alternative but a convent. No, there was no hope anywhere.
[CHAPTER XIX.]
ANOTHER CHANGE.
WE remained in the neighborhood of Paris all that winter, sometimes at Fontainebleau, sometimes in the city itself, for, as I have said, my uncle had some office or command which kept him about the court.
My aunt had her balls and assemblies, her grand banquets and little suppers, and must have spent a great deal of money. I rarely saw anything of this gaiety, though I went out with my aunt in the carriage, and now and then, when she had a small assembly, I was allowed to sit at her elbow and look on, though I was not expected to speak unless spoken to, and then only in the shortest, most restrained manner.
Of the court I saw nothing. My aunt had hoped, I believe, to procure some place for herself, but in that she did not succeed. Still she was often at the court, and was liked by the king for her wit and sprightliness. When she was away, my only society was my maid Zelie, whom I had never liked, and now thoroughly distrusted, believing her to be a spy upon me, my aunt's lapdog and her parrot.
My only recreation was in reading the very few books which were thought proper for a young lady, my music, and my embroidery, and I only went out to go to church, whither I was attended by Zelie or an older woman who had been my aunt's nurse, and who, having been a Huguenot in her youth and then converted, was of course doubly zealous and devoted. Oh, to what a slavery had I brought myself! With what impassioned longing I looked back to the days when I used to climb the hill at Tre Madoc to attend to my little school or run down to the beach to watch the pilchard-fishing, and of those earlier times in Normandy when I played with Lucille and David in the orchards, or helped to pile up the golden and rosy apples for the eider-mill!
I would gladly have changed places with the poorest old woman in Cornwall for the privilege of walking abroad unfettered, and weeping my fill unwatched. I would have given all the costly furniture of our hotel, had it been mine, for half a dozen loose leaves of my mother's old prayer-book, for it was one of my great troubles that I could not remember the words of Scripture. I suppose it might have been some odd effect of my illness, but while my memory had become clear as to other things, it was in that respect almost a blank. In the state of mind I then was, I regarded this forgetfulness as a direct judgment from Heaven, and an express proof and mark of my reprobation. I thirsted for the water of life. I read again and again the few psalms and meagre bits of scripture contained in my books of devotion. That fountain was to be once more unsealed for me, but not till I had drank my fill of the bitter waters and broken cisterns for which I had forsaken it.