“If he had accepted my challenge and had shot me in the face, that would have been worse, and much more painful. Yet no one would have despised me in that case; on the contrary, I should have had sympathy and admiration. Thus there is a difference between a bullet and the fist. What difference is there, and why should there be any?”
His thoughts came swiftly, incoherently, yet his suffering, and irreparable misfortune would seem to have roused something new and latent within him of which in his careless years of selfish enjoyment he had never been conscious.
“Von Deitz, for instance, was always saying, ‘If one smite thee on the right cheek, turn to him the left.’ But how did he come back that day from Sanine’s? Shouting angrily, and waving his arms because the fellow wouldn’t accept my challenge! The others are really to blame for my wanting to hit him with the riding-whip. My mistake was that I didn’t do it in time. The whole thing’s absurdly unjust. However, there it is; the disgrace remains; and I shall have to leave the regiment.”
With both hands pressed to his aching brow, Sarudine tossed from side to side, for the pain in his eye was excruciating. Then, in a fit of fury, he muttered:
“Get a revolver, rush at him, and put a couple of bullets through his head … and then, as he lies there, stamp on his face, on his eyes, on his teeth!…”
The compress fell to the floor with a dull thud. Sarudine, startled, opened his eyes and, in the dimly-lighted room, saw a basin with water, a towel, and the dark window, that like an awful eye, stared at him mysteriously.
“No, no, there’s no help for it now,” he thought, in dull despair. “They all saw it; saw how I was struck in the face, and how I crawled along on all fours. Oh! the shame of it! Struck like that, in the face! No, it’s too much! I shall never be free or happy again!”
And again through his mind there flashed a new, keen thought.
“After all, have I ever been free? No. That’s just why I’ve come to grief now, because my life has never been free; because I’ve never lived it in my own way. Of my own free will should I ever have wanted to fight a duel, or to hit him with the whip? Nobody would have struck me, and everything would have been all right. Who first imagined, and when, that an insult could only be wiped out with blood? Not I, certainly. Well, I’ve wiped it out, or rather, it’s been wiped out with my blood, hasn’t it? I don’t know what it all means, but I know this, that I shall have to leave the regiment!”
His thoughts would fain have taken another direction, yet, like birds with clipped wings, they always fell back again, back to the one central fact that he had been grossly insulted, and would be obliged to leave the regiment.