Manners and Social Usages

by M. E. W. Sherwood

CHAPTER … PAGE I. Women as Leaders … 13 II. Optional Civilities … 29 III. Good and Bad Society … 36 IV. On Introducing People … 44 V. Visiting … 58 VI. Invitations, Acceptances, and Regrets … 66 VII. Cards of Compliment, Courtesy, Condolence, and Congratulation … 74 VIII. The Etiquette of Weddings … 82 IX. Who Pays for the Cards … 94 X. Weddings after Easter … 102 XI. Summer Weddings … 110 XII Autumn Weddings … 117 XIII. Before the Wedding and After … 125 XIV. Gold, Silver, and Tin Weddings … 133 XV. The Etiquette of Balls … 142 XVI. Fashionable Dancing … 150 XVII. Letters and Letter Writing … 159 XVIII. Costly thy Habit … 167 XlX. Dressing for Driving … 174 XX. Incongruities of Dress … 181 XXI. Etiquette of Mourning … 188 XXII. Mourning and Funeral Usages … 200 XXIII. Letters of Condolence … 207 XXIV. Chaperons and Their Duties … 214 XXV. Etiquette for Elderly Girls … 223 XXVI. New Year's Calls … 230 XXVII. Matines And Soires … 239 XXVIII. Afternoon Tea … 247 XXIX. Caudle And Christening Cups and Ceremonies … 255 XXX. Modern Dinner Table … 261 XXXI. Laying the Dinner-table … 269 XXXII. Favors and Bonbonnires … 277 XXXIII. Dinner Table Novelites … 285 XXXIV. Summer Dinners … 292 XXXV. Luncheons, Informal and Social … 300 XXXVI. Supper Parties … 307 XXXVII. Simple Dinners … 314 XXXVIII. The Small Talk of Society … 320 XXXIX. Garden Parties … 328 XL. Silver Weddings and Other Wedding Anniversaries … 335 XLI. Spring And Summer Entertainments … 343 XLII. Floral Tributes and Decorations … 353 XLIII. The Fork and the Spoon … 359 XLIV. Napkins and Table-cloths … 364 XLV. Servants, their Dress and Duties … 371 XLVI. House with One Servant … 380 XLVII. House with Two Servants … 886 XLVIII. House with Many Servants … 394 XLIX. Manners: A Study For The Awkward and the Shy … 401 L. How To Treat A Guest … 408 LI. Lady And Gentleman … 415 LIL The Manners of the Past … 424 LIII. The Manners of the Optimist … 484 LIV. The Manners of the Sympathetic … 441 LV. Certain Questions Answered … 450 LVI. English Table Manners and Social Usages. … 457 LVII. American And English Etiquette Contrasted … 465 LVIII. How To Treat English People … 473 LIX. A Foreign Table D'Hte, and Casino Life Abroad … 480

MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.

CHAPTER I. WOMEN AS LEADERS.

Nothing strikes the foreigner so much (since the days of De Tocqueville, the first to mention it) as the prominent position of woman in the best society of America. She has almost no position in the political world. She is not a leader, an intrigante in politics, as she is in France. We have no Madame de Stael, no Princess Belgioso, here to make and unmake our Presidents; but women do all the social work, which in Europe is done not only by women, but by young bachelors and old ones, statesmen, princes, ambassadors, and attaches. Officials are connected with every court whose business it is to visit, write and answer invitations, leave cards, call, and perform all the multifarious duties of the social world.

In America, the lady of the house does all this. Her men are all in business or in pleasure, her sons are at work or off yachting. They cannot spend time to make their dinner calls—"Mamma, please leave my cards" is the legend written on their banners.

Thus to women, as the conductors of social politics, is committed the card—that pasteboard protocol, whose laws are well defined in every land but our own.

Now, in ten different books on etiquette which we have consulted we find ten different opinions upon the subject of first calls, as between two women. We cannot, therefore, presume to decide where so many doctors disagree, but give the commonly received opinions as expressed by the customs of New York society.

When should a lady call first upon a new and a desirable acquaintance? Not hastily. She should have met the new and desirable acquaintance, should have been properly introduced, should feel sure that her acquaintance is desired. The oldest resident, the one most prominent in fashion, should call first; but, if there is no such distinction, two women need not forever stand at bay each waiting for the other to call. A very admirable and polite expedient has been: substituted for a first call in the sending out of cards, for several days in the month, by a lady who wishes to begin her social life, we will say, in a new city. These may or may not be accompanied by the card of some well-known friend. If these cards bring the desired visits or the cards of the desired guests, the beginner may feel that she has started on her society career with no loss of self respect. Those who do not respond are generally in a minority. Too much haste in making new acquaintances, however—"pushing," as it is called-cannot be too much deprecated.

First calls should be returned within a week. If a lady is invited to any entertainment by a new acquaintance, whether the invitation come through a friend or not, she should immediately leave cards, and send either a regret or an acceptance. To lose time in this matter is a great rudeness. Whether she attend the entertainment or not, she should call after it within a week. Then, having done all that is polite, and having shown herself a woman of good-breeding, she can keep up the acquaintance or not as she pleases. Sometimes there are reasons why a lady does not wish to keep up the acquaintance, but she must not, for her own sake, be oblivious to the politeness extended. Some very rude people in New York have sent back invitations, or failed to recognize the first attempt at civility, saying, "We don't know the people." This is not the way to discourage unpleasant familiarity. In New York, Boston, and Philadelphia, and in the large cities of the West, and generally in the country: towns, residents call first upon new-comers; but in Washington this custom is reversed, and the new-comer calls first upon the resident. Every one—officials of the highest down to the lowest grade returns these cards. The visitor generally finds himself invited to the receptions of the President and his Cabinet, etc. This arrangement is so convenient that it is a thousand pities it does not go into operation all over the country, particularly in those large cities where the resident cannot know if her dearest friend be in town unless informed in some such way of the fact.

This does not, as might be supposed, expose society to the intrusion of unwelcome visitors. Tact, which is the only guide through the mazes of society, will enable a woman to avoid anything like an unwelcome intimacy or a doubtful acquaintance, even if such a person should "call first."