There are, besides, the following customs, the object [[495]]of which is to express our regard for the memory of the deceased: (1.) A tombstone (מצבה) is set up in front of or over the grave with the name of the deceased, the date of his death, and such words of praise as are dictated by the love and the esteem in which the deceased was held by the mourners. (2.) A lamp is kept burning[188] during the week, or the month, or the year of mourning, and on the anniversary of the day of death (Jahrzeit). (3.) By observing the anniversary of the death as a day devoted to earnest reflection, and to meditation on the merits and virtues of the deceased; we keep away from amusements, and say Kaddish in the course of the Services of the day. Some observe the anniversary as a fast-day. (4.) By doing some mitsvah[189] in commemoration of the deceased. (5.) By regarding with respect and piety the wishes of the departed relative or friend, especially those uttered when death was approaching. Our Sages teach: “It is our duty to fulfil the wishes of the departed.”[190] The absence of this inner respect and piety makes all the outward signs of mourning, however conscientiously observed, valueless and illusory. [[496]]
Notes.
In addition to the customs already mentioned, there are a few calling for some observation, customs which might seem superstitious, but are not so if properly understood.
When life is extinct the eyes of the deceased are closed, and in some cases also the mouth is kept shut. This is probably done out of regard for the dead, that their face should not present a too ghastly and repulsive appearance. The custom is mentioned in the Mishnah, Shabbath xxiii. 5, and is also alluded to in the words, “And Joseph shall put his hands upon thine eyes” (Gen. xlvi. 4).
From the house in which there was a dead person, and from the houses in its immediate neighbourhood, the water was poured out. According to Num. xix., everything in the house—and, under certain conditions, also in the neighbouring houses—was unclean; the water was poured out, from fear lest it be used in preparing holy food, such as terumah (“heave-offering”). Furthermore, a kohen is not allowed to enter such a house, and the pouring away of the water served as an indication that a dead person was in the house.
An important element in the preparation for the burial is the “cleaning” and robing of the body (טהרה); the cleansing of the body before it returns to the earth is to be a symbol of the purification of the soul by the mercy of God.
It is customary that those who came into contact with the deceased during his lifetime express regret for any offence they may have committed, knowingly or unknowingly, against him—a good custom, that might serve as an exhortation to us all to be careful in our actions towards our living fellow-men.
Whenever we mention the name of a deceased friend or relative we add, as a mark of respect, עליהן) השלום or עלין (עליה עליהם, זכרונו (זכרונה) לברכה, זכר צדיק לברכה or נוחו (נוחה) עדן (abbreviated, זצל, ז״ל, ע״ה or נ״ע), “Peace be to him (her or them),” “his (or her) memory be for a blessing,” “the memory of the righteous be for a blessing,” or “his (or her) rest be Eden.” Comp. Zunz, Zur Literatur u. Geschichte. Similarly we add to the names of living friends and relatives the wish שיחיה (שתחיה), or נרו יאיר “May he (or she) live,” or “May his light continue to shine.” [[497]]