“Howsomever, all this comes of trying to make Jack a gentle-man, a title he once despised; but what with the quibble hums of lawyers, and the comflobgistications of parsons, his head gets filled with proclamations, and his brains whirl round like the dog-vane in a calm. I beg your honour’s pardon, though, for troubling you with so many of my remarks upon the subject; but it must be evident to every body that tars have arrived at a bad pitch, and though I’m no croaker, (I don’t mean him as was at the Admiralty,) yet my spirit is stirred up and must have vent. I sees they have tried to put a stop to smuggling, by taking off the duties. That is as it should be; but there’s another thing I wish, and that is, to get a petition to parley-ment for all the old hard-a-weathers at Greenwich to have their ’bacca duty free. Why, sir, it would be an act of piety; and the worthy old quidnuncs when they take their chaw, or blow a cloud, would bless ’em for it.
“Talking about smuggling, reminds me of a circumstance that happened off Dungeness, when I was in that gallant ship, the Triumph, seventy-four. We were running up channel for the Downs with Dungeness light on our larboard beam, and it was about six bells in the middle watch, when the look-out on the fokstle reported, that there was a lugger close under our bows. ‘Give him a gun,’ cried the officer of the watch. The shot was fired and the lugger instantly let fly her fore-sheet, and rounded to. ‘From whence came you?’ hailed the lieutenant. ‘Wha waw,’ replied the lugger. ‘What the devil place is that?’ said the officer; and again raising the speaking trumpet,—‘where are you bound to?’—‘Wha waw,’ was once more returned. ‘The fellow’s making game of us, sir,’ said the officer to the captain, who, hearing the report of the gun, had come out of his cabin. ‘Shall I board him, sir?’—‘Yes, Mr. ——, lower the quarter-boat down, and see what he is.’
“Well, away we went, and as we pulled towards him, the lieutenant would have it the lugger was a French privateer; but the coxswain, an old hand at the trade, replied, ‘No, sir, she’s no privateer, and I thinks I can smell a secret at this distance. There’s no guns, sir, and but few hands. Eh, eh, we shall see presently.’—‘What are you laden with?’ inquired the officer as soon as we got alongside, and he had jumped upon the deck. ‘What is your cargo?’—‘Bacon and eggs,’ replied a veteran, whose gray locks peeped from underneath a slouched hat, and partly concealed a weather-beaten countenance, where the breakers and time had made deep furrows; ‘bacon and eggs, sir.’—‘It’s of no use axing that man, sir,’ said the coxswain. ‘I can tell him in a minute; he’s brought his hogs to a fine market, and as for eggs,—why, he’s chock full of tubs, your honour, (lifting up the grating.) Ay, there they are, indeed, like eggs in a gull’s nest. There they are, sir; it makes a fellow’s mouth water to look at them. Mayn’t we have a toothful your honour? It’s hard to starve in a land of plenty! I’d only knock one small hole in this head here,’ giving it a thump with the tiller that was nearly accomplishing the purpose.
“‘Avast, avast, sir!’ cried the lieutenant: ‘this is smuggled, and now we must seize it for his majesty.’—‘For his Majesty! all that for his Majesty!’ cries the coxswain. ‘Why, God bless your honour, he’ll never be able to get through the half of it, even though the Prince of Wales should lend him a hand, and I hear he’s no flincher from the gravy. I’m sure, sir, none of the royal family would miss the want of as much as would comfort the heart of a tar in such a raw morning as this, especially as we would drink their healths in a bumper, and that would do ’em more good than swallowing all this here stuff!’—‘Not another word,’ said the officer. ‘Jump into your boat, and (turning to the old man) do you follow him, for I must take you with me!’ The poor fellow was obliged to comply, though he made a good many wry faces, and begged hard; but all to no purpose. So the cutter shoved off, sadly deploring that all hands were so nigh hollands, and yet without being able to moisten their clay with a sup before breakfast.
“‘What is she?’ inquired captain E—, as the lieutenant came up the side. ‘A smuggler, sir,’ was the answer. ‘A smuggler, eh!’ cried the captain, ‘and so (addressing the old man) you are one of those lawless characters who run all hazards to run your goods and beach your tubs, bidding defiance to danger and death? What have you to say for yourself?’—‘Sir,’ replied the hoary seaman uncovering his head, and displaying a face where cool determination was struggling with painful sensations, ‘sir, whatever I can say will, perhaps, avail me nothing. The necessities of a large family and numerous distresses have driven me to my present state. All I possess in the world is now in your power, and you are able in one moment, not only to deprive me of liberty, but also to reduce me and mine to utter misery and beggary. For myself, I care but little; but for my fatherless grandchildren,’—he wrung a tear from his eye, and dashed it off in agony; but his countenance almost instantly resumed the stern serenity which appeared to mark his character. Captain E. and the lieutenant took a turn or two aft in deep conversation. At last, eight bells came and the morning watch was turned out. ‘Send all hands on deck,’ said the captain to the boatswain’s-mate, ‘and bear a hand about it.’
“Well, we all mustered aft on the quarter-deck; and the captain, standing on the gratings of the after-hatchway, exclaimed—‘My lads, this old rascal’s a smuggler, and there’s his vessel, your prize. He says our detaining him will be the ruin of himself and family; and how much shall we obtain for plunging a fellow-creature and a countryman into hopeless misery? Why, our gin will be transmogrified into port for the agents and lawyers, and perhaps you would share about nine-pence a-man. Mine and the officers would amount to about twenty pounds, which we are ready to forego,—nay more, I am ready to give you that sum out of my own pocket. So what d’ye say, lads? shall we make him splice the main-brace, and let the old rogue go?’ A simultaneous ‘Ay, ay, sir,’ resounded from all hands. ‘Well, then, my men, we’ll have six tubs out of him for that purpose; so jump into the boat again, and you old Blow-hard must swear through thick and thin that you have never set eyes upon us!’ The old man turned round, fell upon his knees, and, laying his hand upon his heart, poured forth a volley of thanks; but just as he was going over the side,—‘Avast,’ cried the captain, ‘you must swear upon the binnacle never to divulge what has taken place.’ This was done, and the smuggler returned to the boat with a lighter heart than when he entered it at first.
“Away we pulled alongside the lugger; but, when their master told them they were clear, my eyes! the men were like wild fellows, and would have swamped us with tubs. ‘Only six, Mr. E,’ cried the captain from the gangway: ‘if you bring more, I shall send you back with them.’ But we had plenty to drink, and then stood for our ship again.
“Well, d’ye see, the six tubs were placed under the poop-awning; and as soon as the captain had turned in, the lieutenant sent two of them to the captain’s cabin, one to the ward-room, one to the midshipmen’s berth, and another to the warrant-officers’ mess, leaving only a solitary tub for the whole of the ship’s company.
“Well, d’ye see, at day-light out came the captain again and looked for the stuff ‘Why, Mr. ——, where—where—what have you done with the grog?’ The officer told him how it had been disposed of. ‘No, no,’ says the skipper: ‘fair play’s a jewel, sir: have it all on deck directly, and let every man fore-and-aft share alike. I shall only take my allowance with the rest, that all hands may be tarred by the same brush.’ So the stuff was started into the wash-deck-tub, and equally divided among officers and crew.”
Here the boatswain’s-mate ceased, and took a determined pull from his pewter, whilst the various groupes assembled (for our numbers had increased,) were all unanimous in voting Captain E—— to be “a generous soul, what ’ud always see a poor fellow righted in the long run,” and each had some anecdote to relate respecting him; but as all were talking at the same moment, it was impossible to collect them.