Manners: A Novel, Vol 2

by Madame Panache

Mrs. O'Sullivan being rather fatigued with her journey, was much rejoiced, when about seven in the evening she was informed they were entering the village of Ballycoolen, which was to be their resting place for the night. This miserable place consists of but one long straggling street, with houses built of all shapes and in all directions, forming, with each other, every possible angle, except a right angle, a straight line seeming to have formed no part of the builder's intentions.

Mrs. O'Sullivan's servant had been sent on before, to prepare their accommodation: he was standing at the door of a wretched tenement; and though by no means a very tall man, his hat touched the upper window, for the house was so built that you descended a few steps to enter it. The still despair of an English face was expressed in his, as with the utmost quietness he said to his mistress, "It is impossible, ma'am, you can put up here; you never saw such a slovenly place in your life." "I am sorry to say," replied Colonel Desmond, in answer to her interrogatories, "there is no better between this and Ballinamoyle: you may remember, I told you, the canal would take you out of the direction of the high road, and that you would be very miserably accommodated; you will now have to put up with a carman's inn."

There was no option; therefore the ladies entered through a kitchen, which also served as bar and larder. A set of carmen were sitting drinking whisky punch and smoking tobacco (the same pipe passed from one mouth to another in turn); they very civilly rose, and went out, till the newly arrived and unusual guests should make their arrangements. The ladies were shown into a parlour, where a pretty looking, but bare legged and bare footed girl, was turning up a press bed, that had remained untouched since the last occupier had slept in it. They agreed to walk out till this place should be swept, and get "a wipe," as the maid called dusting it, previously pushing up the window sash with some difficulty, as the paint stuck together, from the length of time it had been unopened. To the inquiry for beds, she answered, "Troth, we've four brave good beds; and ye'z can have dry lodging at Susy Gologhan's, or Gracy Fagan's, over the way, there beyant, for the sarvant maids and the boys." Mrs. Sullivan declined ascending to the second story, when she saw the house had no regular stairs, but that merely a sort of ladder, without any thing to serve as bannister, led to the loft above. The Miss Webberlys declaring once going up would be enough for them, requested Adelaide to reconnoitre the premises. "You know, Miss Wildenheim," said Amelia, "you're used to travelling in outlandish places; and an't afraid of nothing.—I think I'll sit up all night, rather than mount the ladder, and walk along that unrailed passage." Adelaide, quickly ascending the redoubtable ladder, opened a door the maid pointed to, which led into a small close room, with two beds.—It was lighted by three little panes of glass fastened in the wall, but looking up, she saw a large door with one hinge broken, laid against an aperture in the roof, which she determined to turn to account, and begged it might be set open to admit fresh air into the apartment. "Have you not another room?" said she. "Aye, sure, and that we have, dear," replied the maid, leading her along the passage. They went into a second, rather closer and smaller than the first, with no friendly hole in the roof, to admit the breath of heaven to visit it. Adelaide, looking on the bedstead, perceived the bed clothes move, and, out of a mass of black hair, saw two dark eyes shoot fire at her. "Pray, what's that?" said she, catching hold of her attendant's arm. "Och! it's only the poor soldier, Miss, just come back to his people, from the big battles over seas; but he'll give his bed to you, with all the pleasure in life, if you fancy it, Miss."—"Not on any account," quietly replied Adelaide, as she quickly retreated to the passage—"I should be very sorry to disturb him. Mrs. O'Sullivan will sleep below stairs; and we young ladies can occupy the double-bedded room: will you have the goodness to show me your sheets?" These she was surprised to find not only white, but fine, forgetting that linen was the staple manufacture of the country, though but lately introduced into this district.

This affair being settled, she joined the party in a walk; and, on their return, they found their little parlour laid out tolerably comfortably for tea; the kitchen, through which they had to pass, was swept clean; all traces of the carmen, their punch, and tobacco, had disappeared; and they might, by diverting themselves with the oddity of their situation, have found amusement for the evening, had not the Webberly family, encouraged by the dilettante, made, every five minutes, some acrimonious speech against the country and its inhabitants, which rendered themselves inclined to find every thing even more uncomfortable than it really was. Adelaide was pained by the rudeness of this conduct to Colonel Desmond, who, however, treated it as it deserved, and quizzing them all from right to left, his raillery soon silenced Felix and Amelia, who had sense enough to understand his ridicule. Tea was scarcely over, when the most extraordinary uproar was heard. Every man, woman, and child in the village seemed to have assembled about the house, all talking in the most vehement manner!

The gentlemen, much alarmed, went out to inquire "what was the matter?" and beheld two men, sawing across the wood-work of the upper part of the gateway belonging to the inn yard, which was too low to admit Mrs. O'Sullivan's carriages. As usual, when any thing is done out of doors in Ireland, every person within ken had repaired to the scene of action. Two out of three were giving contradictory directions, whilst the operators were swearing tremendously at the crowd, bidding them "go along about their business." "Hard for us to do that same!" answered one, in the name of the rest, "when sarra hand's turn of business we're got to our kin or kin kind, till shearing time comes, barring sitting in the chimney corner doing nothing." Messieurs Webberly and Donolan took this inauspicious moment to rate at the men who were sawing the gateway, expressing, in no very gentle terms, their dissatisfaction with the inn, and all its appurtenances. The men suspended their operations; and one of them, crossing his arms, his head on one side, and his chin stuck out with a gesture of contempt, said, in a drawling tone, as he looked down on them, from the top of the gateway, "Och! then, and it's grander quality than ever ye were have been here, and never gave me no bother at all at all! Upon my sowl, myself is cruel misgiving ye are but half sirs, both of ye'z. It's long before you'd see the Curnel, that's the real sort, (long life to his honour,) take on him so! If ye don't like the place, in the name of the Lord, make aff wid ye'z: if ye can't be agreeable, by the powers, we'd rather have your room nor your company."—"But where would ye see the likes of the Curnel any how?" rejoined a female orator of the assembly. "Sarra man, within twenty miles of himself, that's the fellow of his brother, for standing a poor man's friend on a pinch! It's the family that have been good to me and mine, these hundred year before I was born, and will be after I'm dead, if I've any luck."

The greater part of these harangues was unintelligible to Mr. Webberly, but the dilettante understanding the dialect of the country, though he often pretended he did not, as in the present instance, took his companion's arm, and, without proffering another syllable, walked into the house.

In nothing do the lower Irish show their quickness of apprehension more decidedly, than in distinguishing, as it were at a glance, what they call "the real quality," that is, those who inherit a certain station in society, from "les nouveaux riches." Their exact discrimination on this subject is quite astonishing. Mrs. O'Sullivan could not perhaps have visited ten cottages in Ireland, whose inmates would not, in a few minutes, have discovered she was a low bred woman, who attempted to give herself airs of consequence. During her stay in this country, this foible was every where perceived, and profited by. The adroit flattery she received, on this favourite point, perhaps drew more money from her than she had ever before, in a given space of time, spent gratuitously, either from motives of charity or of generosity. The cunning arts, that opened her purse, were, undoubtedly, highly reprehensible in a moral point of view. But why should we expect more upright disinterestedness from the ignorant and necessitous class of mankind, than we hourly meet with from the independent members of the upper ranks of society, who will delude a king or an emperor, with as little compunction as the poor Irish cottager cheated Mrs. O'Sullivan? In the latter instance, however, the mischief began and ended with the parties concerned; whilst in the former, generations yet unborn may mourn the evils resulting from base adulation.

As all the party assembled in the inn parlour were, with the exception of Adelaide and the merry little Caroline, out of temper, they, by a sort of tacit agreement, separated at an early hour. The parlour was then converted into a sleeping room, for Mrs. O'Sullivan and Caroline, a bed being constructed for the latter with the carriage cushions, and a contribution of pillows. When the Miss Webberlys ascended the ladder leading to their apartment, the maid of the house went before, and the mistress behind, to help them up; the former holding a candle, stuck into a hole scooped out of a large potato, all the candlesticks the inn was possessed of, three in number, being appropriated to the use of the ladies. Adelaide had reserved the worst looking bed to herself, and was scarcely deposited in it, when down she sunk, and a more romantic imagination might have supposed some such adventure was going to occur, as was said frequently to have happened in a remote auberge in the Black Forest, where travellers were drawn down through trap doors, and murdered. But she was only alarmed by the dread of the less heroic death of being knocked on the head by the bed posts. Springing up with the utmost expedition, she found, to her great delight, that the bedstead was perfectly secure; but, proceeding in her search as to the cause of her recent disaster, discovered that the sacking, which ought to have been laced to support the bed, had been deprived of its cord, in order to apply it to some other use. It never was, and most likely, never will be replaced; but the bed, being dexterously poised on the edge of the boards which connect the posts, will give the same surprise to every one who sleeps in it, for many a year to come. After no little laughter, Adelaide went into bed again, just as it was; and the inn being perfectly quiet, all its visitants slept till a late hour the following morning. After breakfast they recommenced their journey; and as they repaired to the carriages, their attention was attracted, by hearing the woman who had been so warm in praise of the Desmond family the evening before, say to her friend (carrying a basket of gingerbread on her arm), with the utmost seriousness of countenance and vehemence of gesticulation, "The low-lived blackguard! to even such a thing at me! All my people that went before me, and all that came after me, were gintlemin and gintle la—dies. See dat now, Susy dear!" Our party were not a little entertained at the figure and gesture of this extraordinary sprig of gentility, and continued to look after her as long as the carriages were in sight.

In the course of the morning they reached Tuberdonny, which was within a few miles drive of Ballinamoyle, but here only one pair of horses could be procured; they therefore had the pleasant prospect of spending another night as agreeably as the last, as no more horses were expected there till the following day. For some hours they found amusement in viewing the antiquities of Kilmacduagh, close by, consisting of seven antique churches; an abbey, with very curious workmanship on its walls; and the most remarkable round tower in Ireland, constructed with immense stones, which rises to the height of one hundred and twelve feet, and, strange to say, leans seventeen feet out of the perpendicular, which is four more than the celebrated leaning tower at Pisa.

As the travellers returned towards the place where the carriages had been put up, they saw five horses, mounted by twice as many men and boys, galloping furiously down the street; and, at the sight of the servants in livery, the riders set up such a hurraing as was quite deafening. Jumping quickly off, two or three of them came up with "Long life to your honours! Myself's right glad to see your honours!" "Why, what the devil do you know about our honours?" said Colonel Desmond, laughing. "Didn't I hear at Kurinshagud, that your honour passed through Ballycoolen, in two carriages? and haven't I been hunting ye all round the country this blessed morning, thinking you might want cattle? It's I that will drive you to the world's end in a crack!" The horses were soon harnessed, and Colonel Desmond and Mr. Donolan, after handing the ladies into the carriage, made their parting bows, and pursued their way to Bogberry Hall.