Soon after this my life changed entirely. Even while Grisha was here an ugly incident happened to me. Once I went into the ante-room and caught Misha in an act which gave the lie to his constant and disgusting denunciation of women as unclean. It was inexpressibly disgusting to me, for I remembered all the filth which he spoke about women; I remembered his hatred of them; and I spat and escaped to the bakery, trembling with wrath and shame and bitterness. He followed me, fell on his knees, and begged me not to tell.
"I know that she torments you at night, too. The power of the devil is strong."
"You lie," I said. "Go to all the devils, you pig. And you bake bread, you dog!"
I insulted him, for I could not contain myself.
If he had not soiled all womankind with his dirty words, I would not have minded it so much.
But he crawled before me and begged me not to tell.
"Well," I said, "can one speak about such things? It is too shameful. But I don't want to work with you. Tell them to give me other work."
I insisted on that.
At this time people were not yet alive or clear to me, and I strove only for one thing: to keep myself apart.
Misha became ill and lay in the hospital. I worked as of old and was given two assistants to help me.