Thessalonica, Aug. 17, B.C. 58
On August 13 I received four letters from you,—one in terms of reproof, urging me to firmness, another telling me of Crassus’ freedman’s account of my careworn appearance, a third relating the doings in the House, and a fourth containing Varro’s confirmation of your opinion as to Pompey’s wishes. My answer to the first is that though I am distressed, it has not unhinged my mind: nay, I am even distressed that, though my mind is so sound, I have neither place nor opportunity for using it. For, if you feel the loss of a single friend like myself, what do you suppose my feelings are, when I have lost you and every one else? And if you, on whom no ban of outlawry has fallen, miss my presence, you can imagine the aching void outlawry leaves in me. I will not mention all that I
sim spoliatus, non solum quia non ignoras, sed etiam ne rescindam ipse dolorem meum; hoc confirmo, neque tantis bonis esse privatum quemquam neque in tantas miserias incidisse. Dies autem non modo non levat luctum hunc, sed etiam auget. Nam ceteri dolores mitigantur vetustate, hic non potest non et sensu praesentis miseriae et recordatione praeteritae vitae cotidie augeri. Desidero enim non mea solum neque meos, sed me ipsum. Quid enim sum? Sed non faciam, ut aut tuum animum angam querelis aut meis vulneribus saepius manus adferam.
Nam, quod purgas eos, quos ego mihi scripsi invidisse, et in eis Catonem, ego vero tantum illum puto ab isto scelere afuisse, ut maxime doleam plus apud me simulationem aliorum quam istius fidem valuisse. Ceteros quos purgas, debent mihi probati esse, tibi si sunt. Sed haec sero agimus.
Crassi libertum nihil puto sincere locutum. In senatu rem probe scribis actam. Sed quid Curio? an illam orationem non legit? quae unde sit prolata, nescio. Sed Axius eiusdem diei scribens ad me acta non ita laudat Curionem. At potest ille aliquid praetermittere, tu, nisi quod erat, profecto non scripsisti. Varronis sermo facit exspectationem Caesaris. Atque utinam ipse Varro incumbat in causam! quod profecto cum sua sponte tum te instante faciet.
Ego, si me aliquando vestri et patriae compotem fortuna fecerit, certe efficiam, ut maxime laetere unus ex omnibus amicis, meaque officia et studia, quae parum antea luxerunt (fatendum est enim), sic
have lost,—you know it well enough, and it would only open my wound again. But this I do assert that no one has ever lost so much and no one has ever fallen into such a depth of misery. Time too, instead of lightening my grief, can but add to it: for other sorrows lose their sting as time passes, but my sorrow can but grow daily, as I feel my present misery and think on my past happiness. I mourn the loss not only of my wealth and my friends but of my old self. For what am I now? But I will not wring your soul with my complaints nor keep fingering my sore.
You write in defence of those who, I said, envied me and among them Cato. Of him I have not the least suspicion: indeed I am sorry that the false friendship of others had more weight with me than his loyalty. As to the others I suppose I should acquit them if you do. But it is too late to matter now.
I don’t think Crassus’ freedman meant what he said. You say things went well in the House. But what about Curio? Hasn’t he read that speech? Goodness knows how it got published. Axius however, writing on the same day an account of the meeting, has less to say for Curio. Still he might well miss something, while you would certainly not have written what was not true. Varro’s talk with you gives me hopes of Caesar. I only wish Varro himself would throw his weight into my cause; and I think he will with a little pressing from you, if not of his own accord.
If ever I have the fortune to see you and my country again, I will not fail to give you more cause for joy at my recall than all my other friends: and, though I must confess that up to now my friendly attentions have not been as conspicuous as they