any rate moderate them, which we certainly can. For I have given up thinking of the dignity, the honours and the position I have lost: I think of what I have attained, what I have done, the glory of my career, in short what a difference there is even in our present straits between me and those through whom I have lost all. They are the people who thought they could not attain their extravagant desires without expelling me from the State: and you see now what has come of their coalition in a criminal conspiracy.
The one burns with a madman's lust for crime, which does not cool one whit, but rather increases day by day. He has just driven Pompey from Italy, now on one side of the world he is pursuing him, on the other he is trying to rob him of his province: and he no longer refuses, nay, he practically demands, to be called a tyrant, as he is. The other, who once would not even give me a helping hand, when I threw myself at his feet, declaring he could do nothing against Caesar's will, now, having slipped from the grasp of his father-in-law's mailed hand, is preparing war by land and sea. The war is not unjust on his part, nay, it is even righteous and necessary; but, unless he conquers, it will be fatal to his fellow-countrymen; and, even if he does conquer, it will be disastrous. These are our great men; but I do not hold their achievements one whit superior to mine, nor even their fortune, though they may seem to have basked in fortune's smiles while I have met her frowns. For who can be happy, when he has caused his country to be deserted or enslaved? And if, as you admonish me, I was right in saying in those books of mine that nothing is good, save
quod turpe sit, certe uterque istorum est miserrimus, quorum utrique semper patriae salus et dignitas posterior sua dominatione et domesticis commodis fuit. Praeclara igitur conscientia sustentor, cum cogito me de re publica aut meruisse optime, cum potuerim, aut certe numquam nisi pie cogitasse, eaque ipsa tempestate eversam esse rem publicam, quam ego XIIII annis ante prospexerim. Hac igitur conscientia comite proficiscar magno equidem cum dolore nec tam id propter me aut propter fratrem meum, quorum est iam acta aetas, quam propter pueros, quibus interdum videmur praestare etiam rem publicam debuisse. Quorum quidem alter non tam quia filius quam,[125] quia maiore pietate est, me mirabiliter excruciat, alter (o rem miseram! nihil enim mihi accidit in omni vita acerbius) indulgentia videlicet nostra depravatus eo progressus est, quo non audeo dicere. Et exspecto tuas litteras; scripsisti enim te scripturum esse plura, cum ipsum vidisses. Omne meum obsequium in illum fuit cum multa severitate, neque unum eius nec parvum, sed multa magna delicta compressi. Patris autem lenitas amanda potius ab illo quam tam crudeliter neglegenda. Nam litteras eius ad Caesarem missas ita graviter tulimus, ut te quidem celaremus, sed ipsius videremur vitam insuavem reddidisse. Hoc vero eius iter simulatioque pietatis qualis fuerit, non audeo dicere; tantum scio, post Hirtium conventum
[125] quia filius quam added by Malaspina.
what is honourable, and nothing bad, save what is dishonourable, then certainly both of them are most miserable, since both of them have thought less of their country's safety and dignity than of their own high place and private interests. My conscience then is clear and helps to support me, when I think that I have always rendered my country good service, when I could, and assuredly have never harboured any but loyal thoughts, and that the State has been wrecked by the very storm which I foresaw fourteen years ago. With a clear conscience then I shall depart, though the parting will cost me a bitter pang: nor shall I go so much for my own sake or for my brother's—our day is done—as for our children, to whom I think at times we ought to have secured at least a free country. For one of them I feel the most poignant grief—not so much because he is my son, as because he is exceedingly dutiful—while the other unfortunately has turned out the bitterest disappointment of my life. He has been spoiled, I suppose, by our indulgence, and has gone to lengths that I dare not name. I am waiting for your letter too; for you promised to write more fully when you had seen him himself. All my humouring of him has been accompanied by considerable strictness: and I have had to put my foot down not over one fault of his or a small one, but over many grave faults. But his father's kindness should surely have been repaid by affection rather than by such cruel disregard. For we were more annoyed at his sending letters to Caesar than we let you see, but I think we made his life a burden to him. I dare not describe this recent journey of his and his hypocritical pretence of filial duty: I only know that, after he met Hirtius,
arcessitum a Caesare, cum eo de meo animo a suis rationibus alienissimo et consilio relinquendi Italiam; et haec ipsa timide. Sed nulla nostra culpa est, natura metuenda est. Haec Curionem, haec Hortensi filium, non patrum culpa corrupit.
Iacet in maerore meus frater neque tam de sua vita quam de mea metuit. Huic tu huic tu malo adfer consolationes, si ullas potes; maxime quidem illam velim, ea, quae ad nos delata sint, aut falsa esse aut minora. Quae si vera sint, quid futurum sit in hac vita et fuga, nescio. Nam, si haberemus rem publicam, consilium mihi non deesset nec ad severitatem nec ad indulgentiam. Nunc haec sive iracundia sive dolore sive metu permotus gravius scripsi, quam aut tuus in illum amor aut meus postulabat, si vera sunt, ignosces, si falsa, me libente eripies mihi hunc errorem. Quoquo modo vero se res habebit, nihil adsignabis nec patruo nec patri.