"The vanquished have no friends,"
"Really, sir, I do not know whether I am most overwhelmed by admiration for your wit and politeness, or by gratitude for your kindness." Or some phrase like this will occasionally be appropriate—"I am afraid, sir, I shall plume myself too highly upon your good opinion. You do me much honor;" or, "It will be my devoir, as well as my happiness, for the future, to deserve your commendation, sir;" or, "You inspire as much as you encourage me, dear sir—if I possess any claim to your flattering compliment, you have yourself elicited it." To a compliment to one's wit, or the like, one may reply—"Dullness is always banished by the presence of Miss ——;" or, "Who could fail to be, in some degree, at least, inspired in such a presence?" Then, again, a reply like this will suffice—"I am only too happy in being permitted to amuse you, madam."
Permit me in this connection, a few words respecting conversation with ladies. Though all mere silliness and twaddle should be regarded as equally unworthy of them and yourselves, yet, in general association with the fairest ornaments of creation, agreeability, rather than profundity, should be your aim, in the choice of topics. Sensitive, tasteful, refined,
"And variable as the shade
By the light quivering aspen made,"
their vividness of imagination and sportiveness of fancy demand similarity of intellectual gifts, or the graceful tribute of, at least, temporary assimilation. Playfulness, cheerfulness, versatility, and courtesy should characterize colloquial intercourse with ladies; but the deference due them should never degenerate into mere servile acquiescence, or mawkish sentimentality.
The utmost refinement of language and of matter should always be regarded as essential, under such circumstances, to the discourse of a well-bred man; and should, of course, distinguish his manner as well. Thus, all slang phrases, everything approaching to double entendre, all familiarity of address, unsanctioned by relationship or acknowledged intimacy, all mis-timed or unsanctioned use of nick-names and Christian names, are as inadmissible in good society as are personal familiarities, nudging, winking, whispering, etc.
Too much care cannot be taken in avoiding all subjects that may have the effect to wound or distress others. I think I have before remarked that people go into society for enjoyment—relaxation from the grave duties and cares of life—not to be depressed by the misanthropy of others, or disturbed by details of scenes of horror. I have known persons who had such a morbid taste for such things as always to insist upon reading aloud, even in the hearing of children and ladies, the frightful newspaper details of rail-road accidents and steamboat explosions. I remember, in particular, once having the misfortune to be acquainted with such a social incubus, to whom a death in the neighborhood was a regular God-send, and to whom the wholesale slaughter made by the collision of rail-cars served as colloquial capital for weeks—indeed until some provident body corporate supplied new material for his cormorant powers of mental digestion! His letters to distant friends were a regular bill of mortality, filled with minute accounts of the peculiar form of disease by which every old woman of his acquaintance was enabled to shuffle off this mortal coil, and of every accident that occurred in the country for miles around—from the sudden demise of a poor widow's cow, to the broken leg of a robber of bird's-nests! I shall never forget the revulsion of feeling he produced for me, one serene summer evening, as I was placidly strolling over the sands by the sea-shore, drinking in the glory of old Neptune's wide-spread realm, by inflicting upon me, not only himself—which was enough for mortal patience—but a long rigmarole about the great numbers of fishes washed upon the shore by a recent storm, who had had their eyes picked out by birds of prey, while still struggling for life in an uncongenial element! On another occasion, I had the misfortune to be present when a young lady was thrown into violent hysterics by his mentioning, with as much gusto as an inveterate "collector" would have exhibited in boasting the possession of a steak from the celebrated "antediluvian beef," immortalized by Cuvier,[13] that he had picked up a small foot with a lady's boot on it, while visiting the scene of a late rail-road accident!
But avoiding these aggravated forms of grossness is not enough. True politeness requires attention to the peculiarities of each of the company you are with—teaching, for instance, your abstaining from allusions to their personal defects or misfortunes, to the embarrassment of conversing with deaf persons, in the presence of those thus afflicted, to lameness, when some one present has lost a limb, to the peculiarities of age, in the hearing of elderly persons, to the vulgar impression that all lawyers are knaves, when one of the sons of that noble profession is among your auditors—to the murderous reputation of the disciples of Esculapius, etc. This rule will teach, too, the use of a less offensive term than that of "old maid," when speaking of women of no particular age, in the hearing of such as are by courtesy only, without the pale alluded to; and the propriety of not appealing to such authority in relation to matters of remote personal remembrance!
In no country with the social institutions of which I am familiar, do the peculiar opinions obtain, which prevail in this country respecting age. "Young America" regards every one as old, apparently, who has attained majority, and women, in particular, are subjected to a most unjust ordeal in this respect. The French have a popular saying that no woman is agreeable until she is forty; and in both France and England, marriage—which first entitles a young lady to a decided position in society—usually occurs at a much later period in her life than with us. In neither of those countries are girls brought out at an age when here they are frequently already mothers! But to return: nothing is more ill-bred, than this too frequent assumption of the claims of women to be exempt from social obligations and deprived of their proper places in society, in this country, while still retaining all their pristine claims to agreeability. Polished manners, cultivated tastes and personal attractions, are not to have their claims abrogated by Time. You remember the poet says:
"The little Loves are infants ever,
The Graces are of every age!"