I seemed to have no strength left, and yet never had I so much needed physical and moral strength.
A clerk read aloud, in a monotonous voice, the terrible indictment. I knew it by heart... and so perhaps did everybody else, since it had been published....
Meanwhile I watched the jury. So these were the men who would, in a few days, decide whether I had or not murdered my husband and my mother.... I wondered what they thought and who was who—for a list of their names and occupations had been shown me the day before. It included four "proprietors," two mechanics, one bricklayer, one baker, two commercial clerks, one cook and one musician....
I looked at the heavy decorated ceiling with the sunk panels adorned with the sword and scales of Justice; and my eyes wandered to the wall behind M. de Valles and the two other judges....
Years ago, I had visited this Court of Assize to admire my friend Bonnat's great "Christ" on that wall, but the Christ was no longer there. It had been removed after the Law separating Church and State had been passed!
Suddenly, I heard M. de Valles' voice ordering me to rise....
The duel began.
I made a supreme effort to stop my distracted mind from whirling round and round. I had been twelve months in prison; I had been for seventeen months a prey to every conceivable emotion, and had gone through such harrowing and nerve-racking experiences that every doctor who had seen me failed to understand how it was that I had not lost my reason; and now, after over five hundred days of continuous mental and physical martyrdom, I had to fight the greatest battle of my existence.
M. de Valles kept his promise: he asked me at first a number of almost indifferent questions about my childhood and my youth, and I had time to collect myself to some extent.... But soon, very soon, the remarks I heard were so revolting that I reeled under them. I had to deny, for instance, that my father—whom, by now, the reader must have learned to know and to love—was a drunkard, and to declare that my conduct was irreproachable and could not have caused his death as was hinted.... Relentlessly, mercilessly, questions were asked me about my relations with Lieut. Sheffer, at Beaucourt! I fought desperately, and then, worn out by my own efforts, I almost collapsed, and could not help sobbing....
An allusion was made to President Faure. I remembered my counsel's entreaties, and when the Judge suggested that I should not conceal anything, and that I should have no fear in mentioning names, however exalted, I merely replied: "No, Monsieur le President, the man we are thinking of is dead, and I will let the dead rest in peace."