Not even—‘BEING GOOD’!”
Renewed yelping, and “hoo-roos” of diabolical laughter followed this vocal effort, and the miserable Josiah McNason felt cold trickles of perspiration running down his back as he listened. Yet he could not speak. Speech for the moment was taken from him,—he tried to utter some word—some ejaculation,—but his tongue was stiffened in his mouth as though it were paralysed. And he was forced to pay close attention to the “Reverend Mr. Firebrand” whether he liked it or not.
“Oh my friends!” pursued that grim and ghastly preacher—“How I thank you for that beautiful hymn! How sweetly it expresses our innermost feelings! Does it not, my friends? Oh yes, indeed it does! And our brother here—our Human brother—does it not express his feelings likewise? Yes—oh yes!—indeed it does!”
“Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-HA!” shrieked the Goblins—“Indeed it does! Ha-HA!”
“Our Human brother,” went on “Mr. Firebrand”—“is a ‘good’ man——”
“Hoo-oo! Hoo-roo!—Hoo—oo!”
“A ‘good’ man because, my friends, he has made Money! Money is Morals,—Morals are Money! Our Human brother is a rich man,—therefore virtuous. Virtue, as you all know, consists in being rich,—Vice in being poor. Our Human brother is also a wise man. Wisdom consists in looking after Number One. He does that! He has always done it admirably! Number One is to him the centre of the universe. And we sympathise with him, do we not, my friends? Oh yes, oh yes, we do! For we also, in former days—we also looked after Number One. Not One Timothy Two! No—no! One Self One! That was our text in life. And we acted up to it, did we not, my friends? Oh yes, we did—we did! We should not be here now if we had not looked after Number One!”
“Hoo-roo!—oh—oh—Hoo-roo!”
And the wild cry had a dismal note in it this time like the shriek of the wailing wind.
“Again, my friends,”—went on the Goblin “Firebrand,”—“Our Human brother is a charitable man. We all know what charity is, do we not? Oh yes, we do! Charity begins at home! Charity never gives a penny away unless it can get something for itself out of the bargain! Charity never subscribes to anything unless it can see its name printed on a subscription list! That’s Charity, my friends!—as WE understand it—as our Human brother understands it! The Charity which distinguished US when we,—like our Human brother,—wore frock-coats and top-hats on Sundays, was a charity which suffered nothing and was never kind,—envied everybody,—vaunted itself greatly,—was always puffed up,—often behaved itself unseemly,—sought its own,—was easily provoked,—thought evil of most things,—rejoiced in iniquity,—hated the truth,—bore nothing,—believed nothing,—hoped nothing,—endured nothing! This is the Charity of Human Nature—material Human Nature!—and our Human brother is a glorious living example of it! Soon—oh yes!—very soon!—our charitable Human brother will give twenty thousand pounds to a hospital. How generous! How noble! The poor and sick will benefit,—but our Human brother will not be left out in the cold! Oh no! He will buy a Peerage with the money and also with an additional ‘little diplomacy.’ And he will be a lord!—oh my brethren, how great a thing it is to be a lord! Do we not know this? Yes, indeed, indeed we do! Some of us have been lords, and some of us have been commons. Both sets have their advantages. But when one is a lord, one can do so much! One can become the ‘noble’ director of bogus ‘Companies,’ and pocket a fee for attendance at every meeting! And one can owe bills to one’s tailor for an indefinite period! And one can sell one’s self and one’s ‘nobility’ to any American female title-hunter who will pay sufficient cash down! Oh yes, my brethren, it is a great thing to be a lord! And when our Human brother is a lord, he will be so proud and glad that he won’t know himself! He is a good man now, but when he becomes a peer, he will be a better one! Oh yes, my friends!—the world and Human Nature generally will find him better, wiser, more generous, more charitable, more everything that is pleasant, beautiful, and truthful! Will it not be so? Yes, indeed it will be so! We know it will be so, for we were all ‘good’ men! I myself was a ‘good’ man—once!”