The Power of Sexual Surrender

by Marie Nyswander Robinson

The problem of sexual promiscuity in women suffering from frigidity is a common one. Speaking in very general terms, it can be said to emanate from a desire to be sexually awakened. Women who seek a solution of this type feel that the next man will somehow break through the barrier that separates them from true sexual satisfaction, true relatedness, restore them to their erotic birthright. They are doomed to disappointment, of course, for an exterior solution of any permanent kind to this interior problem does not exist.

There is one form of promiscuity, however, that does not fit this above description. Basically it is not a search for the beloved but rather a deep, characterological tendency, closely allied to a curious and seemingly contradictory form of frigidity. The kind of woman who suffers from this disorder we have already characterized as the psychically frigid type. We have described this type as one which, if sexual reactions alone determined our definition, might be considered perfectly normal. The psychically frigid woman responds readily to sexual foreplay, and her orgasm is usually deep and satisfying. Examine her reactions as closely as we may, we can at first find no single aspect of them that would indicate a problem that could be classified as sexual frigidity.

However, the woman does have an obviously serious problem. She seems to be unable to form a close relationship that will endure. She is apparently devoted to an inner ideal of transiency in love. Sometimes she is not conscious of the fact that transiency in love is so important to her, but everything about her amorous career indicates this is so. She may select as partners married men or men who are chronically hostile to women and who always end up by rejecting them. Or she may do the rejecting herself. She is usually faithful to her partner of the moment and indeed sometimes pays lip service to the hope that this time the love affair will last. But just below the surface of her awareness she has no such wish. If the relationship shows any indication of moving toward permanency, she will create a reason for terminating it. And this is where her sexual problem shows: if she could not terminate it she would inevitably become sexually frigid with her partner.

One might wonder why I include this type here, since her problem is not one of physical frigidity as we ordinarily think of it—a primary blocking of sexual feeling, an inability to experience vaginal orgasm. I do so because in every case of this kind that I have treated there has been a profound sexual involvement. Early and destructive sexual experiences (usually some form of seduction) have led to a psychological inability to relate emotionally to another.

In the cases discussed up to now, we have seen that a too early experience can lead to a permanent repression of a child’s entire sexual nature. Overstimulation leads to anxiety; anxiety leads to a ruthless repression of sensuality by the little individual. Basically the sexual experience has been felt as dangerous and unpleasant.

In our psychically frigid type we see, on the sexual level, just the opposite kind of conscious reaction. A too early stimulation causes a pleasurable sensual reaction, and the memory of this is held onto passionately. The deep guilt that is generated in the little girl, however, causes a displaced psychological reaction of great intensity.

To understand this personality structure more fully, let us look at a typical case.

Molly M. was a passionate bohemian in every sense of the word. When she first came to my office she was dressed in the height of what was then bohemian high fashion: dancing slippers, a dirndl-effect skirt and blouse, and long cotton stockings. She wore her hair in a pony tail and had no makeup on whatsoever. She lived in Greenwich Village in a five-flight walk-up cold-water flat. She was then twenty-seven years old and had been living in the same place since her graduation from college at twenty-two. She had a decent job but preferred to stay in this exotic tenement.

Molly had come to me because, as she stated it, she was scared. In the past two years she had become pregnant twice and had had two abortions. The last one, which had occurred three months before, had been performed under the most sordid circumstances; in the basement of a tenement by a midwife with filthy hands. Performed without anesthetic, it had been terribly painful and resulted in a serious uterine infection which required hospitalization. In the hospital the gynecologist had warned Molly that if she had not already ruined her chances to have children she might very well do so the next time. Despite her resolution at that time to change her ways, she had recently picked up with a penniless art student who obviously had no real feelings for Molly and, I suspected, no real ability to care for any other person. It was clear that this relationship was going nowhere, just as the rest had.

But let us look at Molly’s story.