The Power of Sexual Surrender

by Marie Nyswander Robinson

The concept of this happy unity is most clearly seen in the love between men and women. The act of sexual love is a direct expression of it. Two individuals once unknown to each other, until recently total strangers, now nevertheless literally merge together physically, know each other in the closest of physical embraces. They were miraculously made for this purpose, constructed for this union. The man leaves something of himself within the woman, his sperm. And a part of the woman joins this, merges with it. They have indeed become one flesh.

And this merging, in addition to the joy and comfort it brings to each to join with the other as one, can become a creative act. From the union a child may be created. Thus we see that the profound result of the union which always characterizes love is productivity, creation.

If this physical coupling were all there was, it would be miraculous still, though an experience shared by other than human forms of life. But man, as distinct from animals, has mind. And minds, as well as bodies, have the capacity to merge too, the need to, the profound joy in so doing. It is when body and mind of a man and woman merge, become a unity, that we see the highest expression of what we term love.

When two people are able to join as one in love, there are certain very definite things that happen to them, as far as each individual mind is concerned.

In the first place, each is able to come far closer to his or her own potentialities. The merging that takes place in psychological love is essentially creative (just as its physical counterpart is), and so each lover is able to come closer and closer to his true self. All who have ever loved know of this inward blossoming, this fecundation by the love of the other. In work, in play, in all the inner and outer activities of life, the individual becomes far more vital and more productive than before.

Another important aspect of love: to each, as I have said, the love partner becomes as important as oneself, and from this it follows that the good of the loved one is all important to the other. Thus all things that help the other, cause him to be joyful, secure, freely and completely himself, become a chief concern of the other. This fact is why real love never leads to domination or to a struggle for power between two people. Through the mersion of love the uniqueness and individuality of the other person becomes precious, and hence all effort is made to guard the special qualities of the beloved. In love we never encounter a man trampling on his wife’s rights and needs or a woman competing with her husband. The value of the other as he is and as he can grow to be becomes the highest value in life.

Because of the high value she places upon her loved one a woman makes the understanding of him one of her most important activities. And this understanding furthers love, which in turn furthers understanding, so that the process is a very dynamic one. By gaining a knowledge of her loved one she is able ultimately to go to the very root of his personality, thus making an even deeper merging of her with him possible. Such understanding implies, of course, a great sensitivity to all of his reactions. And it makes her, too, inquire urgently (and creatively) into herself, so that no blocks to their deep psychological communion can develop.

These are, then, some of the results of real love. I have listed them as a rebuttal of and a reminder to any who have, through repeated defeat, become discouraged in their struggles to love and have tended therefore to minimize love’s importance. There is nothing in life that is so important as love. In fact, as one of my patients once said, looking back on the period when she was unable to love, “Without love there is nothing in life.”

One cannot win the battle to love if one minimizes it. The frigid woman, above all, must realize this and never give up her struggle. Indeed, a complete awareness of how important love is can be in itself a big step along the way to achieving the ability to love and to be loved.

Now if we summarize what has just been said about love, what do we find is its essential characteristic? This: the ability to see the other person as he is and to esteem him above everything else for his individual quality, indeed to love him (and so want to merge with him) for it.