I know of one woman who, at the age of thirty-eight, with three children under fifteen years of age, still felt she could become a dancer. As she looked more closely at this conviction she became increasingly surprised at how seriously she really took this fantasy. At length, when she felt really ready to face sacrificing her lifelong fantasy, she wrote a list of facts and questions. I present them here.
1. To become a dancer I would have to study the dance for a minimum of five years; during that time I would have to practice dancing for about eight hours a day. Could I take this discipline?
2. If my mind were able to take such discipline would my body be able to stand up under such arduous work?
3. If I were able to arrange it would I be willing to give up my daily contact and relationship with my three children?
4. If I overcame every obstacle and became a well-known dancer, achieving my wildest dream of success, I would have to go on tour for at least eight months of the year; this would mean separation from my husband and children during that time. Do I want this? Even if I do, could I take it emotionally?
The answers to these questions were obviously passionate noes. And the result of such a common-sensical examination of her long-standing fantasy was, at long length, freedom from it.
It will not take much logical thought to dispose of your daydreams, thus clearing the way to a life in the passionate present rather than in a mythical future. Ask yourself the kinds of questions indicated above and give yourself honest answers.
In giving the case histories of women suffering from the various forms and degrees of frigidity, I have described to some extent the early origins of their problems. I should now like to raise the question of just how much knowledge of one’s early, often buried, experiences one must uncover to achieve feminine maturity.
In my opinion, the majority of women suffering from frigidity do not have to go into the matter of their childhood experiences to any extent at all. The evidence that their childhood experiences were traumatic to some degree is contained in the fact that they do have problems in the present. It is always the immediate problem about which people develop their deepest and strongest emotions. The technique of “feeling” one’s way through one’s problem is, as I have said, the method that really works with frigidity; it is one’s present emotions, therefore, that constitute the major material of one’s self-examination.