The Power of Sexual Surrender

by Marie Nyswander Robinson

It will be very easy for her to misunderstand the fact that her husband has invested a major portion of his pride elsewhere: in his work, in his achievements in the outside world. The cleanliness and neatness of his home he takes for granted. He may even be, by his wife’s standards, seemingly antagonistic to neatness, actually sloppy, throwing his clothes around, leaving the sink cluttered, forgetting to use the ash tray, and what not. These things, of course, are not in themselves pleasant traits, but the frigid woman will generalize about them, use them to indicate her man’s essential indifference to her.

He may also not notice a new rug or even a new chair in the house. He may have very small patience with any household duties he is forced to undertake: replacing a broken step or even a burned-out bulb. These attitudes can be quite confusing to a woman, and if she has any motive to do so she can easily interpret this kind of male behavior as further evidence of her husband’s indifference to her and to the family. It is not; when it occurs it is just male. It may be helpful to her to try to imagine how long her interest in the details of his business life actually hold her attention. The house is her business, and it is not surprising that he behaves the way he does in it, nor is it indicative of any lack of love in him.

Another aspect of man that can be easily misinterpreted is the fact that the male tends to be more sociable, likes to seek out and find a vigorous and sometimes quite varied social life. This, too, is part of his aggressive nature. A woman, though she may be quite gregarious, is generally more content to sit at home, and her immediate circle of friends is enough for her. The frigid woman may try to make much of her husband’s aggressive sociability. She is not enough for him; he is restless and dissatisfied, etc.

The vigor and aggressiveness of a man during the course of a social evening are also often misunderstood by women. He may on occasions be quiet, but he sometimes wants to do a great deal of the talking, may even, in his enthusiasm, raise his voice in a conversation. His competitiveness may even embroil him in an actual argument, perhaps a violent one. The woman likes things to run smoothly, to be utterly friendly and tranquil. Her husband’s normal social aggressiveness can appear to be rude and crude to her. It can frighten her. Afterward she may confront him with it, accusing him of strutting, of showing off, of cock-of-the-walk behavior. She is merely confronting him with his maleness again.

A very odd difference between men and women is the difference in their reactions to pain and fatigue. Women have a very high threshold for both, and most men have a relatively low one. If a woman gets a burn on her hand she can stick it in butter or in cold water and go on making the dinner. A man with the same burn could be completely incapacitated for a while—and awfully angry at himself besides. The same is true of all sorts of minor aches and illnesses that occur in the normal course of events. Because of this difference in pain thresholds, men tend to pamper themselves or want to be pampered when they have head colds, headaches, sore throats, or other minor illnesses that a woman might ignore. The frigid woman, of course, finds this difference a rich mine to work. She can and does use it to taunt her husband with his “weakness,” again showing her essential ignorance of and lack of sympathy with the male nature.

Of course sex itself remains one of the most fruitful sources for resentment and misunderstanding in the frigid woman. Here male aggression can be most clearly seen. The man is stimulated easily by things that would not excite his woman in the least. He is susceptible erotically to all sorts of sights, sounds, and odors. His wife undressing may excite him; her perfume may excite him; he may become aroused if she is looking wan or looking bright-eyed. The frigid woman, not comprehending male reactions or their plural causes, generally feels that his lust is unselective and impersonal. She takes his ardor as an affront for that reason.

In the sexual act the aggressive thrusting of the penis offends too. As passion increases during the act, the strength of the thrust increases, sometimes becomes quite a formidable series of pushes (one of the slang expressions men use for intercourse is “a bang”). This sometimes violent thrusting is a perfectly normal aspect of male sexuality and to the normal woman is of course highly desirable. Frigid women are frightened of it, experience it as an invasion of their integrity, an act of hostility against them.

Nothing could be farther from the fact. In his aggressive movements a man is showing his love in his particular way, his passionate need to lose his isolation, to rid himself of it, to join with his beloved. To misunderstand this is to misunderstand all.

Doubtlessly we could make a longer list of the characteristic things men do and feel that anger or are misunderstood by women with a frigidity problem. If you have started the form of self-inquiry I have advocated you have made your own list and have felt strong negative emotions about many of the items on it.

But the point I wish to emphasize now is that the majority of these negative emotions is caused directly or indirectly by man’s underlying and most distinguishing characteristic—his aggression. It is this trait that most clearly defines him, and it is this trait that is at the root of the frigid woman’s anger, fear of, and feeling of rejection by men.