In terms of this lifelong commitment of man to the service of his wife and family, let us take another look at the things in his conduct which irritate women, or at least irritate women with a frigidity problem, for now they begin to be understandable. Minor irritabilities, cock-of-the-walk behavior, slackness, sloppiness, whatever—these are either the outlets or the results of the accumulated tensions of a man’s day. He will not tell you of the humiliations or defeats or worries of his day in any direct manner usually. As his wife, you must understand that these are the only remonstrances against his hard and anxious struggle that he will permit himself. If you see his behavior in this light it will be difficult to harbor any deep-seated resentment against him; one can only wish to comfort him, to help in any conceivable way to make his burden less onerous, his worries less sharp, his nightmares less frequent.
The espousal of this view of the male, the accurate one, can be another great forward step toward femininity. Seeing her man’s aggression in its true light, aimed first and foremost at procuring her safety, happiness, and security, she can now dare to take down, one by one, the precarious defenses she has maintained against him from the beginning of their relationship. She sees that her husband’s wonderful aggression actually defines her true role, makes it ever clearer and more desirable to her.
Let us now see how her altered attitude can ultimately affect her and what she can do to hasten and further the process of change.
Chapter 16
THE NATURE OF SURRENDER
When the frigid woman, using the methods described in this section, has divested herself of the destructive fears and false convictions that have been left over from her childhood; and when, in all honesty, she is able to view her husband with new eyes, knowing him to be the hard-beset but loving human being he is rather than an abstract power she had conjured up in his image—when these things are achieved, a profound change begins to take place within her.
This change is not a direct product of her conscious will. Forces which have the character of a tide suddenly freed of long-standing barricades now begin to move irresistibly within her. She feels a new potentiality inside, intimations of an emotional richness she had not dared dream of.
When such a process is loosed within a woman, we say that she is ready to surrender; that, indeed, surrender has already started within her. What does this mean?
It means, in the broadest sense, that at long last she is prepared to become a woman. It means that she is ready, indeed anxious, to yield to her biological and psychological destiny. She has ceased to fear her real role, mentally, spiritually, and physically; ceased to resist it and ceased to resent it. Now she is ready to glory in it. She is ready to love.
When a woman is ready for this final step she no longer needs any urging, any coaxing or coaching. Since this ultimate surrender to her true nature is so natural to a woman, she is often not entirely conscious of its varied manifestations. It is slow, cellular, tidal, certainly unsubject to the conscious will.
Though change is now largely going on outside one’s awareness, I should like to emphasize, however, that this phase is very much a part of the process that was initiated with the first two steps—of airing one’s emotions and fantasies and of revaluating one’s husband. We have found that, for a woman whose whole mind and body are, for the first time, taking the path nature intended, it is wise to be as conscious as possible of the process that is going on within her. Many of the feelings are new and powerful and run counter to much of what she has experienced and believed in before. New convictions, new insights, new prospects open up before her. This novel proliferation may be confusing or even frightening. Therefore, the more she understands the nature of her brave new inner world, the more thoroughly and swiftly can she claim it for her own.