It is launched by the surfacing of negative emotions and fantasies from which the frigid woman has been hiding. These emotions and fantasies reflect an underlying attitude toward the opposite sex which is based on early childhood fears and misunderstandings and which is seriously affecting one’s ability to love. As the emotions are exposed to full view they lose their power for harm, for it is only when they are partially or totally hidden from oneself that their primitive force is dangerous. When they are exposed to the light of intelligence and judgment, their power over one can at first be greatly reduced and finally can be disposed of entirely.
When all or most of one’s negative daydreams and emotions have been exposed, step two can be taken. This is a revaluation of the male in terms of his real nature and real goals. We saw that his real nature is basically aggressive, and one of his chief aims in life is to put this aggression to work for his wife and family. Viewed from this standpoint, man’s differences from woman are seen in their true light. The frigid woman, from this revaluation, learns that she can now let down her defenses, knowing that her husband, far from being hostile or wishing to enslave or exploit her, is her loving ally. She sees that his once-feared aggression is the very thing that makes it really safe for her to be a woman.
From this realization, on a deep level of her personality, the next step follows naturally. She first achieves a tranquillity and then a serenity she had not known before. This is followed by an acceptance of and a surrender to her real role—that of a loving and wise wife who glories in her womanly functions and in her man’s love.
The last step was seen to be the achievement of orgasm as a natural sequel to her psychological maturation. This part of the process we saw was attended by a resurgence of early anxiety when orgasm finally occurred. This anxiety caused a desire to flee from the newly acquired ability to love. However, the only danger at this juncture was seen to be the possibility that the anxious woman might act upon her fears. Forewarned of this reaction, she is forearmed, and by seeking further insights and waiting out the anxiety she will find that it will gradually subside completely.
These general steps, then, outline the process that can lead to recovery. I can add little to them. I have seen this method work for many women and I know of no other that will.
Patience and faith are the prime requisites for emotional maturation. Nobody can name the time it will take for any given individual to cross the bridge to womanhood. But that most women can cross it, there can be no doubt. Those who have gone before make that point ultimately clear.
Chapter 18
THE ROLE OF THE MALE
When a woman decides to cross the bridge from frigidity to mature femininity her husband’s attitudes, feelings, and reactions can be all-important.
I said earlier that we have found that the man is rarely responsible for his wife’s frigidity; that it developed long before he met her. However, he must understand that, when she begins to assume responsibility for her difficulty, responsibilities of a new kind are thrust on him too. In the beginning at least, and contrary to what he might expect of himself, he may not like these responsibilities at all. He may find that he has a very negative attitude toward his wife’s attempt to mature, that indeed he does not want her to.
It is very necessary for a man to understand the elements that make his role appear to him to be very difficult during such a period. In a sense, if the project is to succeed, he must be as aware of his reactions as his wife is of hers.