Now a word about foreplay—in my opinion one of the most grossly misunderstood words in the language. Many men, and women too, take it to mean solely a duty-bound interval in which a man tries to arouse a woman by physically caressing and kissing her. This mechanistic interpretation is based on the oft-quoted statement that women are slower to respond sexually than men and that it is the man’s duty to arouse her.
I think it is absolutely necessary for this particular conception of foreplay to be expanded considerably where women who have had a sexual difficulty are concerned. As we have seen over and over again, frigidity in women is caused by psychological problems of a very specific kind. Any exclusively mechanical approach to these difficulties is foredoomed to failure.
Husbands of women with a frigidity problem are well advised to consider foreplay primarily a psychological rather than a physical matter.
If you will recall the stages of development the growing girl goes through, you will remember that they culminate in adolescence. During that stage a long romantic dream prepares the girl for real love. This dream of romance never leaves a woman. Foreplay is most successful when it arouses these dormant romantic feelings. Woman is truly an incurable romantic.
But what does romance really mean to her? And how can the romantic feeling be conjured up?
Romantic feelings are aroused in a woman when she feels that her husband’s entire emotion is fixed on her tenderly and lovingly. She feels romantic when all the other goals and needs and duties of life are for the time being relinquished. In such a situation she dares to relax, to loaf and invite her soul, to concentrate on her deep belief that love is centrally important, the thing that gives life its meaning and its beauty. Every woman, at the heart’s deep core, wishes to give all for love.
Such a mood of romance cannot, of course, be bumped up suddenly, nor can it be created by a man who feels cynical or abashed by it. To woo a woman successfully, a man must believe in her dream of love and become a passionate sharer in it.
Certain things that remove a couple for a while from the highly goal-centered activities of daily life help to create this romantic mood. A housewife will respond to a luxurious evening out; putting on an evening gown can separate her from her housekeeping, penny-pinching view of herself, and the sight of her husband in a tuxedo can fill her romantic cup to the brim. A few champagnes and dancing to a good orchestra, and the magic is complete.
Picnics together, too, can engender a deeply romantic feeling in a wife. But of course the children should not be along. And the whole thing should be carried off with a little style. Wine, a good one, is a must, and the man should know beforehand of a fine and very private spot for the picnic.
I have known several women who have broken through the barriers of sexual frigidity during ocean cruises. These seem to represent the romantic circumstance par excellence, and a husband who can afford them should add them to his loving calculations.