“No,” sez I, “you’re not very hefty anyway.”
But good land! I knew he couldn’t rent any camel; circuses need ’em more than we do.
The next day we all went out to see Pompey’s Piller which we had seen towerin’ up before we landed, all on ’em ridin’ donkeys but me, but I not being much of a hand to ride on any critter’s back, preferred to go in a chair with long poles on each side, carried by four Arabs. Pompey’s Piller is 277 most a hundred feet high. Cleopatra’s Needles wuz brought from Heliopolis. One is standing; the other, which lay for a long time nearly embedded in the drifting sand, wuz given as a present by Egypt to America, where it stands now in Central Park, New York. To see the mate to it here made us feel well acquainted with it and kinder neighborly. But we couldn’t read the strange writin’ on it to save our life. Some say that they wuz raised by Cleopatra in honor of the birth of her son, Cæsarion. But I d’no if she laid out to write about it so’s I could read it, she’d ort to write plainer; I couldn’t make out a word on’t nor Josiah couldn’t.
Cleopatra wuz dretful good lookin’, I spoze, and a universal favorite with the opposite sect. But I never approved of her actions, and I wished as I stood there by that piller of hern that I could gin her a real good talkin’ to. I would say to her:
“Cleopatra,” sez I, “you little know what you’re a-doin’. Mebby there wouldn’t be so many Dakota and Chicago divorces in 1905 if it wuzn’t for your cuttin’ up and actin’ in B. C. I’d say stealin’ is stealin’, and some wimmen think it is worse to steal their husbands away from ’em than it would be to steal ten pounds of butter out of their suller. And that, mom, would shet any woman up in jail as you well know. And you know, Cleopatra,” sez I, “jest how you went on and behaved, and your example is a-floatin’ down the River of Time to-day, same as you sailed down the Sydnus in that barge of yourn. And to-day your descendants or influence posterity sail down the River of Time in picture hats and feather boas, makin’ up eyes and castin’ languishin’ glances towards poor unguarded men till they steal their hearts and souls right out of their bodies; steal all the sweetness and brightness out of some poor overworked woman’s life, and if they don’t take the body of their husband nothin’ is said or done. Good land! what would I care for Josiah Allen’s body if his love had been stole. I would tell the woman to take that in welcome sence she had all the rest. But they 278 sail along down the River of Life, coquettin’ with weak, handsome male Antonys, who had better be to home with their own lawful Octavias. So it goes.” I always hated Cleopatra’s doin’s. And I wondered as I looked dreamily at that writin’ of hern, if she wuz sorry for her actions now in that spear of hern, wherever it wuz, and wanted to ondo it.
CHAPTER XXIV
We stayed there for some time, and on our way home a dretful thing happened to me. After we all got started, sunthin’ happened to one of the poles of my chair, and with as much motionin’ and jabberin’ as a presidential election would call for, they at last got it fixed agin. By that time the party had all disappeared, and the bearers of my vehicle started off at their highest speed right acrost ploughed land and springin’ crops and everything, not stoppin’ for anything.
Where wuz they takin’ me? Wuz I to perish in these wilds? Wuz they carryin’ me off for booty? I had on my cameo pin and I trembled. It wuz my pride in Jonesville; wuz I to lose my life for it? Or wuz it my good looks that wuz ondoin’ of me? Did they want to make me their brides? I sez to them in agonizin’ axents, “Take me back instantly to my pardner! He is the choice of my youth! I will never wed another! You hain’t congenial to me anyway! It is vain for you to elope with me for I will never be your brides!”