Around the World with Josiah Allen's Wife

by Marietta Holley

I spoze it wuz on Robert Strong’s account that we wuz invited to the Emperor’s palace, though Josiah thought it wuz on his account. Sez he:

“Fritz is a educated man and reads about foreign affairs; 405 of course, he has hearn of Jonesville and knows that I am one of its leadin’ men, and wield a powerful influence in political and religious circles, and wants to honor me and on my account and to please me, and for various diplomatic reasons he is willin’ to receive my pardner.”

But it wuzn’t so, no such thing; it wuz on Robert’s account; Robert had been invited there for lunch when he wuz there before, for Miss Meechim had told me on’t over and over. When the evening of the reception come, Miss Meechim wuz in high feather every way. She wore one in her hair that stood up higher than old Hail The Day’s tail feathers, and then her sperits wuz all feathered out, too.

Dorothy looked sweet as a rose just blowed out. She had on a gown of pale-green satin and shiffon, which looked some the color of fresh, delicate leaves, and her sweet face riz up from it and bloomed out like a flower. It wuz a little low in the neck, which wuz white as snow, and so wuz her round arms. A necklace of big pearls wuz round her neck, not much whiter than the warm, soft flesh they rested on, and she carried a big bunch of white orchids. She looked good enough to frame in gold and hang up in anybody’s best parlor, and Robert Strong felt just as I did I knew by his liniment. On such a occasion, I felt my best black silk none too good, and at Dorothy’s request I turned down the neck a little in front, mebby a half a finger or so, and wore a piece of lace she gin me over it that come down to my belt. It looked like a cob-web that had ketched in its transparent meshes some voylets and snowdrops. And at her request I did not wear the cameo pin, but a little bunch of posies she fixed for me, fine white posies with a few pale lavender ones. I spoze Dorothy, though she didn’t tell me so, for fear it would make me oneasy and nervious, but I spoze she wuz afraid that some bold thief might rob me of that valuable jewel; she knowed that cameo pin fell onto me from Mother Smith and fell onto her from her ma. This rim of memory sot it round and rendered it valuable aside from its intrinsic 406 worth, which wuz great. Why, I hearn that Grandmother Smith paid as high as seven dollars for it, gin five bushels of dried apples and the rest in money. Tommy stayed to home with Martha.

The guests wuz ushered into a spacious and magnificent room. Innumerable lights flashed from its lofty ceilings and music and flowers brightened the seen. The rich costooms of the ladies and the gorgeous uniforms of the men, representatives of the different countries, richly embroidered in gold and silver, added to the beauty of the panorama. Jewels wuz sparklin’ everywhere, and I thought to myself I d’no but Dorothy wuz more fraid than she need be, I d’no; but I might have resked the cameo pin there. For it didn’t seem as if anybody there, man or woman, stood in need of any more ornaments, and if they took it, I should always thought they done it out of pure meanness. For such a profusion of jewelled ornaments I never see, and such dresses, oh, my! I thought even before I met the royal party what would I give if Almina Hagadone could be sot down there with liberty to bring a lot of old newspapers, the Jonesville “Augurses” and “Gimlets” and take patterns. Oh, my! wuzn’t they grand, though our good Methodist sisters wouldn’t dream of havin’ their calico and woosted dresses with such long trains draggin’ behind ’em or havin’ ’em low-necked and short sleeves. I could hardly imagine how Sister Gowdey and Sister Henzy would look with their chocolate-colored calicos made without sleeves and dekolitay, as Miss Meechim called it; they would blush to entertain the thought, and so would their pardners.

Francis Joseph, or as I called him in my mind, the good crisp name of Fritz, I found wuz good lookin’ and good actin’. Of course, like myself and Josiah, he’s gittin’ some along in years. And like us, too, he won’t most probable ever be hung for his beauty. But what of that? Like others lately mentioned, his liniment shows just what kind of a person he has been and is. Honest, honorable, hard-workin’, 407 gittin’ up at five o’clock in the mornin’, doin’ a good day’s work before lots of folks rises up from their goose-feather pillers. Fillin’ up the day with duties performed to the best of his ability. Good, solid-lookin’ and good-actin’ the most of the time, though I spoze that like every human bein’, he has had spells of bein’ contrary and actin’, but on the whole a good man, and a well-wisher to his race.

And now in this dretful epock of time, when everything seemed upside down, thrones tottlin’ and foundations warpin’, and the roar of battle comin’ nigher and nigher on every side, I felt that it wuz a great thing for him that he had the chance to hear some words of encouragement and advice. Yes, I knowed that if ever the Powers wuz in a tight place they wuz now.

I wuz the last one in the line, and so had a chance at him; I shouldn’t have had if Miss Meechim and Arvilly had been follerin’ close to my heels. I had said in days gone by that if I ever got holt of one of them Powers I would give ’em a piece of my mind that they could patch onto their daily experience, and tremble and wonder at it for the rest of their days. I had been riled up by these Powers a number of times, real provoked and out of patience with ’em. But now when I stood in the presence of one of ’em I felt different from what I thought I should feel; I pitied ’em like a dog. And I showed it. I mistrust my liniment looked pale and excited, though not havin’ a lookin’ glass present I couldn’t tell for certain, but I know my voice trembled with emotion, for I hearn it myself.

I sez to him how proud and happy I wuz to see him lookin’ so well and holdin’ his age to such a remarkable degree, and after a few such preliminary politenesses had been tended to, I branched out and told him with my liniment lookin’ good and earnest I know, and tears almost standin’ in my eyes, I told him the feelin’s I felt for the Powers, how mad I’d been at ’em in the past, and how them feelin’s had turned into pity, for I knowed just what a ticklish place they 408 wuz in and how necessary it wuz for ’em to keep a cool head and a wise, religious heart, and then, sez I, “I d’no as that will save you. You Powers have got so hard a job to tackle that it don’t seem to me you’ll ever git out of it with hull skins if you don’t use all the caution a elephant duz in crossin’ a bridge. Go cautious and carefull and reach out and try every plank before you step on’t.”

He felt it, I could see he did, he knowed how the ground wuz quakin’ under him and the rest of the Powerses. “And don’t,” sez I, “don’t for mercy’s sake! you Powers git to squabblin’ amongst yourselves, for if you do you might just as well give up first as last, for you are all lost as sure as fate. Keep your temper above all things,” sez I. “You’ve got age and experience as well as I have, and it takes such experienced wise heads to manage such a state of affairs, and I d’no even then as we can git along without an awful fuss, things are so muddled up. Mebby you’re the very one to go on and try to straighten out the snarls in the skein of the nation’s trials and perplexities, and I’ll do all I can to help you,” sez I.