“Yes, Josiah Allen’s girl by his first wife,” sez I. “I did my best bringin’ her up, but if a kag is filled with rain water you can’t tap it and have it run cream or maple molasses. She wuz nateraly kinder sentimental and vain and over dressy, and keeps up them traits to this day. And I d’no what she would have done if she’d tried to rule a kingdom at eighteen; I guess her subjects would have seen strange 421 doin’s and strange costooms, though I think Tirzah means to be a Christian. But you’ve done first-rate, you’ve seemed to study the best good of your subjects and have made a big effort to have peace in the world. I wuz dretul interested when you had that Peace Conference meet in your ‘House in the Woods.’ I’d been more’n willin’ to had it meet in our sugar house, but it wuzn’t big enough, and it wuzn’t so central; it wuz better to have it where it wuz.
“I guess I sot more store by your doin’s in that respect than by any other, for peace is what a sovereign and a subject must have to git along any ways comfortable. And at the present time what a comfort it would be if the nations of the world could git holt on it. But it almost seems as if peace had spread her wings and flowed away from this planet, such cuttin’s up and actin’s are on every side, wars and rumors of wars, armies and navies crashin’ up aginst each other, nations risin’ up aginst nation, brothers’ hands lifted up aginst brothers and the hull world seemin’ to be left to the mercy of the bloody fiend, War.
“Well, you and I can’t help it, Willieminy. I’ve done all I could in Jonesville. I’ve talked a sight and sot Josiah up all I could to vote for peace, and you’ve done all you could in Holland, and so now we’ve got to set down and trust in the Providence that watches over Jonesville and Holland.”
She acted as if she felt real pleased with my praise, as well she might, and I sez, “Another thing I’ve liked in you, Willieminy, you wuz so bound and determined to pick out your pardner for yourself and not have him selected for you. Why, good land! a dress or a pair of shues or gloves hain’t half so apt to fit and set well if you leave ’em for somebody else to pick out for you, and much more a pardner. I honored you for your idees in that direction, for you’ve probably found out, my dear,” sez I, “that even if you take sights of pains and pick him out yourself, a pardner is sunthin’ that requires lots of patience and long sufferin’ to git along with, though real convenient to have round lots of 422 times when tramps are about, or reachin’ up overhead in the buttery, or at funerals, etc. It always looks nobler to have a man along with you than to mog along alone. And men are about on a average as fur as their goodness goes with their female pardners most of the time.
“But he will be no he-angel, if you cross him just before meal time, or don’t see that his clothes are mended up good. I hearn once of a young bride who thought her husband wuz perfect, and I spoze looked at his backbone sarahuptishushly from day to day a-worryin’ for fear his wings would sprout out and he would soar away from her to go and be an angel. But one day she mended a hole in his pocket, and bein’ on-used to mendin’ she took a wrong turn, and sewed the pocket right up.
“Well! well! I don’t spoze she ever worried about his angel qualities after that time. I spoze he cut up dretful and said words she never dremp of his knowin’ by sight, and she wuz jest as surprised and horrified as she would have been to had a lamb or a cooin’ dove bust out in profanity. But he wuz a likely man, and got over it quick, and wuz most too good to her for a spell afterwards, as pardners have been wont to do on such occasions ever since the creation of the world.
“But, as I say, matrimony has difficulties enough when Love heads the procession and Wedded Bliss plays the trombone in the orkestry.”
She looked real interested as if my words wuz awful congenial to her. And whilst watchin’ her sweet face growin’ brighter and sweeter, I thought of another thing that I thought mebby she had been worryin’ about and that I could comfort her up in, just as I would want our Tirzah Ann comforted under like circumstances, and I got real eloquent talkin’ about this before I got through.
Sez I: “Of course, my dear, there wuz some talk about your pardner havin’ his eye on your proppity, but I wouldn’t let that worry me, for I’ve always said that if I wuz a rich, 423 handsome young woman, I would just as soon be married for my money as my beauty. They’re both outside of the real self, equally transitory, or in fact, the money if invested in govermunt bonds is more lasting. For the national system is fur more firm and steadfast than the physical.
“Fifty years hence I spoze the money will all be safe and gainin’ interest, so if that is what a woman is married for she will keep her attraction and even increase it. But fifty years hence where will her beauty be, if she wuz married alone for that? Where are its powerful attractions? All gone. If she had nothing but the beauty of snowy brow and brilliant eye and clustering locks and perfect features.