Josiah. Oh! I don’t know; I can’t set down, or stand up; I am awful bad off. I want to get to bed as soon as I can.
Wid. D. Try the Green Mounting salve, brother Josiah; and oh how much that salve makes me think——(looking out the window)
Tirz. A. Why, for mercy’s sake! Who is coming? There is a whole house-full of folks on the door-step. (Tirzah Ann and the Widder Doodle runs out of the room, as the door opens, and ten or fifteen people come in, headed by Betsey Bobbett. Josiah tries to fix his shirt and vest round his shoulders before they get in but he can’t, so he dives under the table. Samantha stands her ground. She stands up and confronts them.)
Betsey B. We have come to surprise you! And in order to more sweetly surprise you, we have come Monday night, and come early. Will you not let us surprise you?
Sam. No! no! We will not be surprised! You shan’t surprise us to-night! We won’t be surprised! Speak, Josiah; tell her; will we be surprised to-night?
Josiah. (Looking out from under the table spread) No; No; we will not be surprised.
Bet. B. You see dear friends she will not let us surprise her; we will go. (They all go out. Betsey goes last, and she turns around at the door and says) Maybe it is right and propah to serve a young girl, who has always been your friend, in this way. I have known you a long time Josiah Allen’s wife.
Sam. (Stepping out of the foot bath and shutting up the door) I have known you plenty long enough.
Josiah. (Coming out from under the table) Darn surprise parties, and darn——
Sam. Stop swearin’, Josiah Allen; I should think we was bad enough off without swearing. But I hate surprise parties as bad as you do. Betsey Bobbett has led ’em into one house where they had the small-pox, and one where they was makin’ preparations for a funeral. They are perfect nusances. It stands to reason so long as anybody has got a tongue, if they want to see their friends to their house, they can invite ’em, and if anybody is too poor to bake a cake or two, and a pan of cookies, they are too poor to go into company at all. I hain’t proud, and never was called so, but I don’t want Tom, Dick, and Harry, that I never spoke to in my life, feel free to break into my house any time they please. I perfectly detest surprise parties; but you don’t ketch me swearin’ about it.