CDLXXXVII.—A FAIR PROPOSAL.
"Why don't you take off your hat?" said Lord F—— to a boy struggling with a calf. "So I wull, sir," replied the lad; "if your lordship will hold my calf, I'll pull off my hat."
CDLXXXVIII.—A DOUBTFUL CREED.
Judge Maule, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, "One of these defendants, Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion—of what religion does not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of Christianity." Severe.
CDLXXXIX.—A SATISFACTORY TOTAL.
A Scotch Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a "denner tea," as he called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating that "Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. "It's unco kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak' it hame on the horse afore me." When, on leaving, he mounted, and the ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. "I think, mistress, a cheese in the ither en' wad mak' a gran' balance." The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John Gilpin, he moved away with his "balance true."
CDXC.—GOOD RIDDANCE.
A certain well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and, addressing himself to the chairman, said, "I give you the health, gentlemen all, of the waiter that called my Lord —— out of the room."
CDXCI.—CALCULATION.
Says Giles, "My wife and I are two,
Yet, faith, I know not why, sir."
Quoth Jack, "You're ten, if I speak true;
She 's one and you're a cipher."