A country schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?"—"Please, sir," said the favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steamboat-bell."—"Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the other, "what have you to say?"—"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "I—I—was waiting to see Tom off!"
DXI.—ANTICIPATION.
Lord Avondale, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, "Coming through the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and he killed ——" "O, my goodness!—he killed the child!" exclaimed his lordship. "No, my lord, the calf; but you will always anticipate."
DXII.—THE BEST JUDGE.
A lady said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:—
"My dear, you certainly want some new trousers."—"No, I think not," replied the husband.
"Well," Jerrold interposed, "I think the lady who always wears them ought to know."
DXIII.—THE RIVALS.
A good story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs. The dramatis personæ were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian, and an eminent French physician,—the historian and doctor being rivals in courting the lady's favor. Impatient at Gibbon's occupying so much of her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him, "Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la guérirai." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made ill by your twaddle, I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grandly, and looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, "Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je l'im-mor-taliserai." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.]