All at once I was shivering and trembling. "Something is wrong with me. I mean, it's true what I just said. That's how I feel. I don't want to go back to the gang. But—I can remember how differently I felt—before. And somehow it seems wrong to change one's mind so—suddenly."
His hands rested on my shoulders. "Vera, this is what going through the matrix process does to a person." His voice was low, boundlessly sympathetic. "Each time it heals a little bit of your personality along with the physical battle scars. The change is very slight and very subtle. You hardly noticed it at all the first time, did you?"
I shook my head. "But, how long can this ... healing process go on?"
"Some personalities, Vera, are terribly hurt, and they must die several times before they become whole." He took my hand. "And now, my dear, allow me to suggest two alternatives for your future. Doubtlessly, in a universe of infinite possibilities there are infinite alternatives one might take. But I know you quite well (though this may surprise you) and I feel that if you can happily accept one of the two that I mention, you will not again have to seek death in order to return here. For that is, after all, the meaning of your immediate past."
"What are these two alternatives?" My voice was quite small. I felt as though my life was warped into this moment like a mobius sheet.
"You will go to Mars University, and there train yourself to become a laboratory technician, as you originally promised your parents. This is a useful profession, of service to society. Sufficient funds will be provided."
Chagrin filled me. I rebelled at the thought. "Or...?"
"Or—and this is also a hard choice, though it may seem glamorous at first—you may become a member of a select expedition to a remote star which our astronomers say has a planetary system capable of supporting our kind of life. There we will plant a new colony."
Joy and enthusiasm welled up inside me. "Why, that sounds wonderful! That's my choice."
He shook his head slowly. "Wait. Wait, Vera. This is also to be considered. You will never again see Jupiter or any of the Solar System. You will travel for a hundred and fifty years. Most of this time you will sleep in deepfreeze state, of course. But inevitably you will age twenty years in the process."