My thoughts were employed to secure myself in the station to which fortune had raised me. The King was with me as often as the affairs of the crown would allow; leaving all grandeur behind him, and coming into my apartment without any thing of that state which attends on him at other places: for my part, I closely studied his temper.
Lewis XV. is naturally of a saturnine turn: his soul is shrouded in a thick gloom; so that, with every pleasure at command, he may be said to be unhappy. Sometimes his melancholy throws him into such a languor that nothing affects him, and then he is quite insensible to all entertainment and pleasure. In these intervals, life becomes an insupportable burden to him. The enjoyment of a beautiful woman for a while diverts his uneasiness; but so far is it from being a lasting relief, that his melancholy afterwards returns upon him with redoubled weight.
Another misfortune in this Prince’s life is, the continual conflict between his devotion and his passions; pleasure drawing him on, and remorse with-holding him: under this incessant struggle, he is one of the most unhappy men in his kingdom.
I perceived that the King’s disposition was not to be changed by love only: this put me on engaging him by the charms of conversation; which has a stronger influence with men than the passions themselves. Of this, history furnished me with an instance in the person of his great grandfather. Lewis XIV. had so habituated himself to Madame de Maintenon, that no other woman could make any impression on him; and, tho’ the court at that time was full of celebrated beauties, Scarron’s widow, at an age when female influence over man is generally on the decline, found means so strongly to fix his affection, that her death only put an end to the charm.
I planned a series of diversions, which, following close on one another, got the better of the King’s constitution, and diverted him from himself. I brought him to like music, dancing, plays, and little operas, in which I myself used to perform; and private suppers terminated the festivity. Thus the King lay down and rose in perfect satisfaction and good humour. The next day, unless detained on some great council, or other extraordinary ceremony, he would hasten to my apartment, to take, if I may presume to use the expression, his dose of good humour for the whole day. He grew fond of me from that instinct which makes us love what contributes to our happiness. All the favourites before me had thought only of making themselves loved by the King: it had not come into their heads to divert him.
Thus I became necessary to his Majesty; his attachment grew stronger every day. I could have wished that our union had rested on love only; but with a Prince accustomed to change, we must do as well as we can.
After the first moments of surprize, which naturally arises in our minds upon any great change, I, in my turn, gave myself up to uneasy reflections. Amidst all the King’s affection, I feared the return of his inconstancy. I could lay but little stress on my elevation; all bow the knee to the idol whilst the Prince worships it; but on his over-throwing the altar, it is trampled under foot. Some days after I thought I had more reason than ever to fear; for the King, coming to sup with me, seemed more thoughtful than usual. Instead of that gaiety which began to be natural to him, his countenance was quite clouded: all his talk was about politics, the affairs of Europe, and dispatching a courier to the army; thus, after a short conversation, he withdrew. This abruptness filled me with alarms: I had not a wink of sleep; and next morning I sent him an account of my condition in the following note:
“Sire,
“Your politics have quite broke my heart. I was going to say a thousand pleasant things to you, had not your dispatches interrupted me. I have not closed my eyes during the whole night; for God’s sake, Sire, leave Europe to itself, and allow me to lay open to you the state of my heart, which is on the rack when you deprive me of any opportunity of telling you that I love you with an affection, the end of which will be that of my life.”
The King having read my letter, came in person to my apartment to make me easy; and he was now more gay than usual. I think I never saw him in a better temper. He had already given me some insight into the great events at that time on the carpet, and I was for diving into the truth of these abstruse mysteries; but not a word did I then understand in politics. I have heard that the English ladies have every morning ready laid on their toilet a paper giving them an account of the affairs of Europe, whereas all that we French women find there is our paint-boxes.