TEACHER. I’ll let you off on one condition, and that is that you’ll bring a cabbage to-morrow morning to go with it.
CHRIS. Y-yes, s-sir. I’ll bring t-t-t-two! (Is sent to seat, rejoicing.)
BOY. Is Squire Small’s cane a piece of the North Pole?
TEACHER. Joseph, when will you ever learn anything? If you studied your lessons you never would ask such a question.
JOSEPH. I didn’t see nothing ’bout Squire Small’s cane in my book.
TEACHER. I told you to prepare a composition for to-day. How many are ready? (No response for a second; then boy near JONES points at him and says, “Nappy Jones has.” JONES shakes his head and pretends that he hasn’t, until called out by the teacher, when he produces from his pocket a strip of paper about two yards long which he proceeds to unroll. The top is tied with a strip of bright-colored calico in imitation of graduation essays. He makes an awkward bow to the audience and reads: )
COMPOSITION ON BOYS.
(I didn’t want ter write this compersition, but pa said I must ’cause he wants me ter be a lawyer one of these days. This is a hard world fur boys, anyway. It doesn’t make no diffrunce what a boy does or says, he’s sure ter get inter trouble.)
’Tain’t so with girls. Everything girls does is right. I wish’t I was a girl. I’m the only boy in our family, ’nd it’s a awful responsibility to be the only boy. I’ve got three sisters, but they’re all girls. Sis and Tom Golder took me to the city t’other day, and we took our dinner at a bang-up hotel, I tell you. When the waiter arsked me ef I’d hev the bill of fare I said, “Thank you,” jest as perlite as I knew how, but it made Sis mad b’cause I told him “Only a little piece, please.” How’d I know what it was, when they hev sech outlandish names fur things! Tom larfed and larfed; but I told the waiter he mustn’t mind him; he was my sister’s feller, and I guessed he warn’t used ter city ways; but he was all right and as rich as a Jew. Everybody but Sis at that was hotel seemed good-natured. The waiter was orful jolly, too. I pointed out to him a sickly-looking chap—Tom said he was a dude—at an opposite table and told him that dude was eating the bouquet, and how that feller larft! He said it was only celery, and wouldn’t I like some, but I told him, “No, thank you, I’d ruther hev my greens cooked.” On the way home Sis took off her hat and put it on the seat in front of her, without saying anything to me about it. Ov course when I sot down that hat was right under me and feather ’nd all was jambed flatter’n a pancake. Tom larfed, but Sis didn’t. He said he guessed I thort I was a-sittin’ on the style. When I got home I felt’s if I’d been a-settin’ on a hornet’s nest. Pa’s the most onreasonable man I ever seen! He told me one day not ter pick another flower outer the garding without leave; so next time I was jest as keerful as I could be ’nd picked ’em all with leaves. Perhaps you won’t believe it, but I got a thrashing fur that. Then one dark night, as pa and me went out ter the barn, pa run against a post, and he said he wished that darned post was in the lower regions; but I told him he’d better not wish it there, fur he might run into it again. But what’s the use o’ trying to help your relations? I hed to go to bed a week right after supper, jest fur that. But I’d ruther do that than hev ma talk to me, she’s so orful sober about it. She finished up a long talk last Sunday night with, “I hev tried to give you every advantage, Napoleon, and this is how you treat me;” and I said, “Of course I wouldn’t take advantage of my ma,” ’nd I vum ef she didn’t tell pa of that. It’s orful discouraging to be a boy. I sha’n’t try very much longer. I shall be glad when I’m a lawyer, ’cause then I can be as wicked as I want to. (Bows and returns to seat.)
(School then sings “Auld Lang Syne,” and having been dismissed by TEACHER, exeunt with characteristic noise.)