Some Reflections Upon Marriage. / With additions.

by Mary Astell

What then is to be done? How must a Man choose, and what Qualities must incline a Woman to accept, that so our married Couple may be as happy as that State can make them? This is no hard Question; let the Soul be principally consider’d, and Regard had in the first place to a good Understanding, a vertuous Mind; and in all other respects let there be as much Equality as may be. If they are good Christians and of suitable Tempers all will be well; but I should be shrewdly tempted to suspect their Christianity who marry after any of those Ways we have been speaking of. I dare venture to say, that they don’t act according to the Precepts of the Gospel, they neither shew the Wisdom of the Serpent, nor the Innocency of the Dove; they have neither so much Government of themselves, nor so much Charity for their Neighbours; they neither take such Care not to scandalize others, nor to avoid Temptations themselves, are neither so much above this World, nor so affected with the next, as they would certainly be, did the Christian Religion operate in their Hearts, did they rightly understand, and sincerely practise it, or acted indeed according to the Spirit of the Gospel.

But it is not enough to enter wisely into this State, Care must be taken of our Conduct afterwards. A Woman will not want being admonish’d of her Duty; the Custom of the World, Oeconomy, every Thing almost reminds her of it. Governors do not often suffer their Subjects to forget Obedience through their want of demanding it; perhaps Husbands are but too forward on this Occasion, and claim their Right oftner and more imperiously than either Discretion or good Manners will justify, and might have both a more chearful and constant Obedience paid them if they were not so rigorous in exacting it. For there is a mutual Stipulation, and Love, Honour, and Worship, by which certainly Civility and Respect at least are meant, are as much the Woman’s Due, as Love, Honour and Obedience are the Man’s. And being the Woman is said to be the weaker Vessel, the Man should be more careful not to grieve or offend her. Since her Reason is suppos’d to be less, and her Passions stronger than his, he should not give Occasion to call that Supposition in Question by his pettish Carriage and needless Provocations. Since he is the Man, by which very word Custom would have us understand not only greatest Strength of Body, but even greatest Firmness and Force of Mind, he should not play the little Master so much as to expect to be cocker’d, nor run over to that Side which the Woman us’d to be rank’d in; for, according to the Wisdom of the Italians, Will you? Is spoken to sick Folks.

Indeed Subjection, according to the common Notion of it, is not over easy; none of us, whether Men or Women, but have so good an Opinion of our own Conduct, as to believe we are fit, if not to direct others, at least to govern our selves. Nothing but a sound Understanding, and Grace, the best Improver of Natural Reason, can correct this Opinion, truly humble us, and heartily reconcile us to Obedience. This bitter Cup therefore ought to be sweetned as much as may be; for Authority may be preserv’d and Government kept inviolable, without that nauseous Ostentation of Power, which serves to no End or Purpose, but to blow up the Pride and Vanity of those who have it, and to exasperate the Spirits of such as must truckle under it.

Insolence is never the Effect of Power but in weak and cowardly Spirits, who wanting true Merit and Judgment to support themselves in that Advantageous Ground on which they stand, are ever appealing to their Authority, and making a Shew of it to maintain their Vanity and Pride. A truly great Mind, and such as is fit to Govern, tho’ it may stand on its Right with its Equals, and modestly expect what is due to it even from its Superiors, yet it never contends with its Inferiors, nor makes use of its Superiority but to do them Good. So that considering the just Dignity of Man, his great Wisdom so conspicuous on all Occasions! the Goodness of his Temper, and Reasonableness of all his Commands, which make it a Woman’s Interest as well as Duty to be observant and obedient in all Things; that his Prerogative is settled by an undoubted Right and the Prescription of many Ages; it cannot be suppos’d, that he should make frequent and insolent Claims of an Authority so well establish’d and us’d with such Moderation, nor give an impartial By-stander (could such an one be found) any Occasion from thence to suspect that he is inwardly conscious of the Badness of his Title; Usurpers being always most desirous of Recognitions, and busy in imposing Oaths, whereas a Lawful Prince contents himself with the usual Methods and Securities.

And since Power does naturally puff up, and he who finds himself exalted, seldom fails to think he ought to be so, it is more suitable to a Man’s Wisdom and Generosity, to be mindful of his great Obligations, than to insist on his Rights and Prerogatives. Sweetness of Temper and an obliging Carriage are so justly due to a Wife, that a Husband who must not be thought to want either Understanding to know what is fit, nor Goodness to perform it, can’t be suppos’d not to shew them. For setting aside the Hazard of her Person to keep up his Name and Family, with all the Pains and Trouble that attend it, which may well be thought great enough to deserve all the Respect and Kindness that may be; setting this aside, though ’tis very considerable, a Woman has so much the Disadvantage in most, I was about to say, in all Things, that she makes a Man the greatest Compliment in the World when she condescends to take him for Better for Worse. She puts her self intirely in his Power, leaves all that is dear to her, her Friends and Family, to espouse his Interests and follow his Fortune, and makes it her Business and Duty to please him! What Acknowledgments, what Returns can he make? What Gratitude can be sufficient for such Obligations? She shews her good Opinion of him by the great Trust she reposes in him, and what a Brute must he be who betrays that Trust, or acts any way unworthy of it? Ingratitude is one of the basest Vices, and if a Man’s Soul is sunk so low as to be guilty of it towards her who has so generously oblig’d him, and who so intirely depends on him, if he can treat her disrespectfully, who has so fully testified her Esteem of him, she must have a Stock of Vertue which he should blush to discern, if she can pay him that Obedience of which he is so unworthy.

Superiors indeed are too apt to forget the common Privileges of Mankind; that their Inferiors share with them the greatest Benefits, and are as capable as themselves of enjoying the supreme Good; that though the Order of the World requires an Outward Respect and Obedience from some to others, yet the Mind is free, nothing but Reason can oblige it, ’tis out of the Reach of the most absolute Tyrant. Nor will it ever be well either with those who Rule or those in Subjection, even from the Throne to every private Family, till those in Authority look on themselves as plac’d in that Station for the Good and Improvement of their Subjects, and not for their own Sakes; not as the Reward of their Merit, or that they may prosecute their own Desires and fulfil all their Pleasure, but as the Representatives of God, whom they ought to imitate in the Justice and Equity of their Laws, in doing Good and communicating Blessings to all beneath them: By which, and not by following the imperious Dictates of their own Will, they become truly Great and Illustrious, and worthily fill their Place. And the Governed for their Part, ceasing to envy the Pomp and Name of Authority, should respect their Governors as placed in God’s stead, and contribute what they can to ease them of their real Cares, by a chearful and ready Compliance, with their good Endeavours, and by affording them the Pleasure of Success in such noble and generous Designs.

For, upon a due Estimate, Things are pretty equally divided; those in Subjection, as they have a less Glorious, so they have an easier Task and a less Account to give; Whereas he who Commands, has in a great measure the Faults of others to answer for as well as his own. ’Tis true, he has the Pleasure of doing more Good than a private Person can, and shall receive the Reward of it when Time shall be no more, in Compensation for the Hazards he runs, the Difficulties he at present encounters, and the large Account he is to make hereafter. Which Pleasure and Reward are highly desirable, and most worthy our Pursuit; but they are Motives which such as Usurp on their Governors, and make them uneasy in the due Discharge of their Duty, never propose. As for those other little Things that move their Envy and Ambition, they are of no Esteem with a just Considerer, nor will such as violently pursue, find their Account in them.

But how can a Man respect his Wife when he has a contemptible Opinion of her and her Sex? When from his own Elevation he looks down on them as void of Understanding, full of Ignorance and Passion, so that Folly and a Woman are equivalent Terms with him? Can he think there is any Gratitude due to her whose utmost Services he exacts as strict Duty? Because she was made to be a Slave to his Will, and has no higher End than to Serve and Obey him? Perhaps we arrogate too much to our selves, when we say this Material World was made for our Sakes: That its Glorious Maker has given us the Use of it is certain; but when we suppose any Thing to be made purely for our Sakes, because we have Dominion over it, we draw a false Conclusion. As he who should say the People were made for the Prince who is set over them, would be thought to be out of his Senses as well as his Politicks. Yet even allowing that God, who made every Thing in Number, Weight and Measure, who never acts but for some great and glorious End, an End agreeable to His Majesty; allowing that He created such a Number of Rational Spirits merely to serve their Fellow Creatures, yet how are these Lords and Masters help’d by the Contempt they shew of their poor humble Vassals? Is it not rather an Hindrance to that Service they expect, as being an undeniable and constant Proof how unworthy they are to receive it?

None of God’s Creatures, absolutely consider’d, are in their own Nature contemptible; the meanest Fly, the poorest Insect has its Use and Vertue. Contempt is scarce a Human Passion, one may venture to say it was not in innocent Man, for till Sin came into the World, there was nothing in it to be contemn’d. But Pride, which makes every Thing serve its Purposes, wrested this Passion from its only Use, so that instead of being an Antidote against Sin, it is become a grand Promoter of it, nothing making us more worthy of that Contempt we shew, than when, poor, weak, dependent Creatures as we are! we look down with Scorn and Disdain on others.

There is not a surer Sign of a noble Mind, a Mind very far advanc’d towards Perfection, than the being able to bear Contempt and an unjust Treatment from one’s Superiors evenly and patiently. For inward Worth and real Excellency are the true Ground of Superiority, and one Person is not in reality better than another, but as he is more Wise and Good. But this World being a Place of Trial, and govern’d by general Laws, just Retributions being reserv’d for hereafter, Respect and Obedience many times become due for Order’s sake, to those who don’t otherwise deserve them. Now tho’ Humility keeps us from over-valuing our selves or viewing our Merit through a false and magnifying Medium, yet it does not put out our Eyes, it does not, it ought not to deprive us of that pleasing Sentiment which attends our Acting as we ought to Act, which is, as it were, a Foretaste of Heaven, our present Reward for doing what is just and fit. And when a Superior does a mean and unjust thing, as all Contempt of one’s Neighbour is, and yet this does not provoke his Inferiors to refuse that Observance which their Stations in the World require, they cannot but have an inward Sense of their own real Superiority, the other having no Pretence to it, at the same Time that they pay him an outward Respect and Deference, which is such a flagrant Testimony of the sincerest Love of Order, as proves their Souls to be of the highest and noblest Rank.