"I had a feeling for him," I admitted. "I could act better with him; but it was different from that—you know it was different."
"Yes," said Sarah, "I know. I know because I am that way myself; it is like that, but it isn't that." I was still, holding my breath while she considered; we were very close upon the twined roots of sex and art.
"There's a feeling that goes with acting, with other sorts of things, painting and music, maybe, a feeling of your wanting to get through to something and lay hold of it, and your not being able to leaves you ... aching somehow, and you think if there's a particular person ... I think O'Farrell would understand ... it is being able to act makes you know the difference I suppose. He really can act you know, and you can, but Dean wouldn't understand, nor the others. My—Mr. Lawrence didn't understand!" It was the first time she had ever mentioned him to me. "Sometimes I think they might have felt the difference just at first, but nobody told them and they got used to thinking it is ... the other thing." She drew me down into the bed again and covered me. "You mustn't take it to hard ... we all go through it once ... and you are safe so long as you know."
"But I can't go on with it." I was positive on that point. "Sarah, Sarah, don't say I have to go on with it."
"I know you can't. But you just have to."
"I should never be able to face either of them again without showing that I know."
"And then the others will know and they will think ..."
I threw out my arms, seeing how I was trapped. I wanted to cry out on them; to despise the woman openly. "And they will think that I am jealous ... that I wanted it myself...."
I rolled in the bed and bit my hands with shame and anger. Sarah caught me in her arms and held me until the paroxysm passed. I was quieted at last from exhaustion.
"You can stay in your room to-day," she suggested. "I can bring your meals up to you; this neuralgia will give you an excuse, and you needn't see any one until you go to the theatre. That will give you one day. Maybe by to-morrow ..."