DIARY.
1873. I have been too indolent for a few years. Now I must be up and doing, with a heart for anything, and remember that these clouds that overshadow us all are meant to make us look beyond for the sunshine. "No cross, no crown." I have a project in my head that I wish very much to carry out. I am tired of my selfish life; and all that reconciles me to it is, that I accept it as a necessary discipline for my restless spirit, to teach me submission, and help me to say, "Thy will, not mine, be done." My idea of a true Christian is to be working for others always, and not thinking of self. My desire is, to start a sewing-class from the Mission School, to be kept up during the summer, if I can only get the means of carrying out my plan, and find some one who is willing to take charge of it in case I am not able to be there. I would gladly make the sacrifice of personal comfort.
The sewing-class was started, and Miss Ellis became one of its most devoted teachers, though working often in great feebleness and pain.
Feel bluer, but I believe my deafness is bringing me truer faith, and resignation.... Another very warm day, but I have managed to get through the day cheerfully, thinking of heavenly things.... I cannot understand what makes me so ugly sometimes. I pray that my evil spirit may be subdued some day.... Do not know of anything I have done to benefit others to-day, only I have been cheerful.... I have felt pretty well, and this day went rightly with me, though I do not know as I have advanced the cause of life very much.... How I do long to live a perfectly unselfish life, and to be a blessing to those around me, as my life was intended for!... Am reading "Old Kensington," by Miss Thackeray,—a real love-story; and it makes me sad, as usual.... Still in the house, and feel poorly. Feel a little dull this evening, and on thinking over my life, think that I have had more than most people of my age to endure, and wonder that I keep up my spirits as well as I have; and it is only that I feel that all is the necessary discipline for me. "Let us but be genuine, honest, and true in everything, even in the smallest thing, and we have in that the sign and the pledge of entire consecration of heart and life to God" (J. F. Clarke). "Be faithful unto death, and I will give you a crown of life" (Rev. ii. 10).... Gave up to a terrible fit of the "blues" this afternoon and evening. Am so tired of suffering all the time, that I gave way under my cross to-day. It seems as if I can't struggle to live longer.
Sunday. A bright day; I was not able to go out, but felt that it was good to remain at home to think over my blessings.... Attended Bible-class this evening. I came home in rather a despondent mood. I find my cross hard to bear, but must pray for more strength.
1874. Sent my old Bible to be bound to-day, which I have used twenty-three years.... I have felt extremely favored to-day, in that I was able to attend the Sewing School, which I feared all the week I might be disappointed in. We closed the school to-day, after twenty-four weeks' work. It has been time well spent, and I feel particularly thankful to my heavenly Father in having heard my prayer for health, strength, and good weather. One strong desire of my life has been vouchsafed me, and I feel overpowered with joy to-night.... I have felt to-day how much I need the assistance of Christ, and may his religion help me to be victorious in the end.
Quoting an extract from Miss Sedgwick's diary on the unmarried life, which ends, "Though not first to any, I am, like Themistocles, second to a great many: my sisters are all kind and affectionate to me, my brothers generous and invariably kind; their children all love me," Miss Ellis adds: "These very words I can repeat as my experience.... If I can only add a few drops of happiness to his life 1875. Mr. Noyes called Monday to bring me his sermon, and it made me very resigned. The text was from 2 Cor. xii. 10,—"When I am weak, then am I strong."
Paul's "thorn in the flesh" was the topic of the discourse, and several pages of extracts are copied in the journal.
It is one of the trials of my life not to assist in the church as I desire to. I presume it must be because I neglect other duties, and see but one thing before me, and that is, to give up the idol of my life, and do the duty that is nearest to me; but it is a sore trial to me.... This has been an eventful week to me, for last Sunday Mr. Noyes closed his ministry with us.... Now they have really gone, it makes me feel rather despondent, though I know they have left many blessings to me behind them.
I am beginning some fancy work, in hopes of brightening my life somewhat. I am not reconciled to the hardships of life.... Am anxious to learn wood-carving.... I try to have the faith of Jesus more than that about him.
... Went to see about trumpets yesterday, and came home greatly disheartened, and shall have to submit with a good grace to the cross.... Mr. Wendte lectures on the New Testament this evening. I should be glad to hear him, but believe all is best as it is.
1877. We had a beautiful sermon to-day, which I took especially to myself, on "The Lonely Hours of Life." ... Am feeling better to-day, and the sermon (on "Be Strong, and of a Good Courage") roused my better nature, ready to go on courageously.... Lecture this evening on "Funeral Customs." I did not attend, for the sermon to-day (on "Prayer") so exalted me that I didn't feel like listening to things of the world.... Wakened feeling disconsolate this morning, but resolved to bear the cross of life as trustfully and cheerfully as possible, and lay up treasures during the summer ready to "give out" when all return in the winter. Impressed two little pieces on my mind,—one by Spitta, in "Day unto Day,"—
"Glad with thy light and glowing with thy love,
So let me ever think and speak and move."The other by Whittier,—
"Lord, help me strive 'gainst each besetting sin."
Went to Madame Wendte's. Brought home, "Ten Great Religions," "Reason in Religion," and "Evolution in Religion."
Thus did Miss Ellis fortify herself for the summer vacation of the church. Emerson's "Society and Solitude" was another book read this vacation.
Have not lived up to my ideal the past week, and particularly to-day. However, may the good Father pardon my shortcomings and aid me to do better.... I feel that I have added something to my life for the benefit of others by the rest and reading of this summer. I hope to study up German a little, among my busy hours this winter. I can retain so little in my head, it is discouraging to read. I must work the harder, and believe "all is for the best," and pray, in faith, for patience.... Mr. Wendte's first sermon—subject, "After Vacation"—made me feel somewhat depressed, for I feel so anxious to do for every one, and have not the means or strength. [She resolves to] do my little part and not discourage [the minister],—do my part more by showing an interest than by the amount of work I do.... I am miserable, dyspeptic, and disappointed.... I have felt heartily discouraged this week in every way, but the church did me good this morning.