I waited to hear no more. Mind and brain were alike maddened by what I had heard. It was all true enough; but every word seemed like a scorpion’s sting, to pierce my soul. Who were these, that they should condemn one who had not the power to defend himself? Were they free from the common taint of sin?
Thus I questioned; but unable to solve the mighty problems that seemed pressing down upon me, I made one herculean effort, and, bursting the bonds that confined me to my useless body, I rushed from the place, away I knew not where, I cared not; only to get relief for my burning, tortured soul.
And here allow, if you please, one digression. Let me warn you, oh, mortals, to mind how you speak and think of those who have departed the mortal life. Let your thoughts and words be as charitable and kind as possible; for by so doing you may furnish a beacon-light that will brighten their paths upward. But if you speak ill of them, if you hurl the stone of censure at departing spirits, you may furnish the heavy weight that will drag them downward.
Alas, I did not understand the cure of sin-sick, tortured souls; and I sought that refuge that had been, and was now again, my curse, but which I vainly thought would drown all recollection and bring relief.
I soon found myself in a well-known spot, one of my former haunts—the back parlor, just beyond the taproom—of a public-house. I seated myself as naturally as ever, and waited for some one to comply with my demand for liquor; but while the bar-maid flitted about, here and there, and several times brushed against my person in passing, she paid no attention to me whatever, and I felt myself neglected indeed.
Presently, I observed, entering the apartment, one whom I had occasionally seen at that resort, and who I understood to be a hard drinker. He called for liquor, and when it was brought, raised the glass to his lips. Suddenly, by a sort of fascination, I was drawn to his side, and while he poured the fiery liquid down his throat, my whole being seemed to vibrate in sympathy, and became saturated with the fumes of the liquor. At every drop he tasted, I seemed to quaff a corresponding one; and I found I could indulge myself in that way to any extent. I remained by his side, drinking long and deep. Our potations lasted for hours. Oh, the craving desire I had for that deadly fluid! My deep delight and utter abandonment of self you cannot realize.
At last our potations ceased. Abused and outraged nature could bear no more, and my companion sunk down in a complete state of insensibility. Then I strove to tear myself from him, but all in vain; I was held to his prostrate form by a cord as unyielding as bands of steel; I could not free myself from the conditions I had brought upon me.
And here my retribution began; for, while the liquid we had drank together had drugged his senses, and benumbed his faculties, it had affected me in an entirely different way, serving to arouse all my sensibilities, fire my nervous system with flames of unquenchable desire, and, in fact, to make me keenly alive to all my surroundings. The least noise fell upon my hearing like the dismal knell of a lost soul; the sound of a passing foot startled me like a peal of thunder; and when the time-piece of the old clockhouse tolled the hour, my whole being vibrated in unison. I wanted to get away from everybody and everything I had known,—to be alone by myself where no one could find me, where life and activity were unknown, and where I could rest my burning brain.
Alas, I could not! Like one tied to a stake, I was condemned to pass what seemed to me a century of time by the side of one with whom I had nothing in common, save the craving of a perverted appetite. I cannot convey to you an idea of the horror, darkness, and despair that rent my soul while thus bound to that form of besotted humanity. The hours dragged, until at last there came a gleam of relief. Boniface entered the apartment, aroused my sleeping companion, and sent him to the pump-room to bathe his head. At the first plash of the water a thrill of exquisite delight passed over me; a second and a third, and the band that had held me snapped in twain, and I was free. Never did weary captive rejoice at his deliverance more than did I at that moment. I made no stay, but hastened from the place, and have never seen it nor its inmates since.
Still drifting along, my only aim and purpose being to gain some lonely, retired spot, where I might find rest and refreshment, I soon found myself rising gradually from the ground, and floating or sailing along, above the heads of the people.