I am ſtrangely deficient in ſagacity.—Uniting myſelf to you, your tenderneſs ſeemed to make me amends for all my former miſfortunes.—On this tenderneſs and affection with what confidence did I reſt!—but I leaned on a ſpear, that has pierced me to the heart.—You have thrown off a faithful friend, to purſue the caprices of the moment.—We certainly are differently organized; for even now, when conviction has been ſtamped on my ſoul by ſorrow, I can ſcarcely believe it poſſible. It depends at preſent on you, whether you will ſee me or not.—I ſhall take no ſtep, till I ſee or hear from you.
Preparing myſelf for the worſt—I have determined, if your next letter be like the laſt, to write to Mr. ——— to procure me an obſcure lodging, and not to inform any body of my arrival.—There I will endeavour in a few months to obtain the ſum neceſſary to take me to France—from you I will not receive any more.—I am not yet ſufficiently humbled to depend on your beneficence.
Some people, whom my unhappineſs has intereſted, though they know not the extent of it, will aſſiſt me to attain the object I have in view, the independence of my child. Should a peace take place, ready money will go a great way in France—and I will borrow a ſum, which my induſtry ſhall enable me to pay at my leiſure, to purchaſe a ſmall eſtate for my girl.—The aſſiſtance I ſhall find neceſſary to complete her education, I can get at an eaſy rate at Paris—I can introduce her to ſuch ſociety as ſhe will like—and thus, ſecuring for her all the chance for happineſs, which depends on me, I ſhall die in peace, perſuaded that the felicity which has hitherto cheated my expectation, will not always elude my graſp. No poor tempeſt-toſſed mariner ever more earneſtly longed to arrive at his port.
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I ſhall not come up in the veſſel all the way, becauſe I have no place to go to. Captain ——— will inform you where I am. It is needleſs to add, that I am not in a ſtate of mind to bear ſuſpenſe—and that I wiſh to ſee you, though it be for the laſt time.
LETTER LXVIII
Sunday, October 4.
I wrote to you by the packet, to inform you, that your letter of the 18th of laſt month, had determined me to ſet out with captain ———; but, as we ſailed very quick, I take it for granted, that you have not yet received it.