Then, merry blades, sprawl on the ground!
Ha, ha, ha!
A very plain and palpable alternative truly, the drunkard fairly caught on the horns of the mathematician's dire dilemma, and then to flounder on the floor—ha, ha! Oh, lame and lamentable conclusion! Come lads, the health of the composer; hip, hip,—hurrah!"
This toast drank at mid-noon, however strange to tell, was loudly chorussed, with various manual accompaniments inflicted on the table, until the window panes and the very drinking-glasses again returned the echo; and amid this uproar the door was opened, and the visitors introduced, their names being duly announced. Squire Kiltipper was discovered seated in his bed, holding in his hand the MS. of the precious rant which had just been sung; he wore spectacles; his dark beard was unshorn; he wore on his head a cap made of otter skin; he was habited in a scarlet waistcoat trimmed with rabbit skin, over which he wore a dressing-gown of purple camlet; his small clothes, which had been once white, but now stained with claret, reminded one rudely of the union of the rival roses of York and Lancaster! The Squire arose to receive his guests, but was preceded by his prime minister, Bounce, his favourite greyhound, who had been also snugly reposing under cover of the counterpane, which now rising to a portentous height, he and his master were safely delivered from the thraldom of the bed-clothes, and the Squire politely advancing, paid obeisance to his visitors, and invited them to luncheon.
The guests were, Mr. Simon Swigg, the gauger, Mr. Stephen Stavespoil, the parish clerk and sexton, and Mr. Barabbas Tithestang, the proctor, who began the world a beggar's brat, and barefooted withal; sans shoe, sans stocking, sans every thing, save a large and inexhaustible stock of confidence; but was now metamorphosed into a country justice; and this squire of mean degree enjoying the otium cum dignitate of four hundred pounds per annum, besides the important privilege of daily entrè to the dinner-table of Squire Kiltipper, alias Kill-Toper!
These gentry were the squire's led captains, his most abject vassals, whose presence at his table contributed, by their native gross humour, to divert the tedious hours of the squire, and whose society had now become quite necessary to his existence. He had been well educated, and was not deficient in mental ability; but his sad propensity to the worship of Bacchus had nearly hebetated the powers of his mind, and had nearly likewise debilitated his powers of loco-motion by frequent confirmed attacks of gout, which had much undermined his constitution.
In the centre of the room was stationed a table, on which still stood some stout cheer, the remains of last night's banquet; here were to be seen the remnant of a huge venison pasty, cold roast beef, pickled oysters, cold roasted fowls, tongues, &c., and relics of exhausted bottles reposing like dead men upon the carpet. Upon the approach of the strangers, Vulcan and Hecate, his two favourite cats, that had been busily employed in subdividing the venison pasty, at sight of the visitor's dogs most incontinently abandoned their plunder, loudly yelling, and retreating with precipitation, they scampered up the chimney; while the general panic, with effect of electricity, communicating its fearful effects to his favourite pigeons, who had been peaceably reposing, with their gentle heads under their wings, upon the tester of the bed; but now they sprang up in affright, as if pursued by falcon or eagle, and dashed themselves suddenly against the window-casement; the poor pigeons received some slight hurts, and the Squire was evidently discomfited. "D——n, I say, to Vulcan and Hecate; but I am indeed sorry for my pretty pets—my dear pigeons. You know, my worthy and venerated Sir Patricius, how much I am obligated to my late dear, dear, dear uncle Commodore Pigeon, of Capstern Hall in Yorkshire, who bequeathed me an estate to the tune of nearly two thousand pounds per annum; and therefore you can fully account for my warm attachment to the pretty bird that bears his honoured name! I am now waxing old, and peradventure am not exempt from the follies of old age; I have long since become tired of the chace, my bugle-horn hangs silent in my hall, and my unkennelled hounds wander forth, to my cost, committing petty larcenies amid the peaceably disposed ducks and turkeys of the vicinage; my hunters I have turned abroad to increase and multiply exceedingly, and cats daily kitten in my quondam boots of the chase! But I have dwelt too long on myself and mine own concern—I give you a hearty congratulation upon your safe return to these parts, and also at the happy return of the duke to his ancient towers. I pray you that you both stop and dine with me; I can only promise you a yeoman's fare, but indeed you shall likewise have a friend's welcome! For, Sir Patricius, I do esteem thee, and I do consider thee, by yea and nay, a man of the most recondite taste and parlous judgment that I ever have encountered; withal resembling, methinks, most accurately what old Flaccus terms 'Homo ad unguem factus.'"
Sir Patricius politely thanked him for his too good opinion of him, which he feared was rather overrated, and apologized for the next to impossibility of accepting of his friendly invitation, which they begged to postpone to some more opportune time. And now having quite sufficiently amused themselves with the eccentric Squire of Crownagelera Castle, Sir David Bruce and Sir Patricius Placebo again returned thanks for the proffered hospitality of Squire Kiltoper, and having bade him good morning, set out on their return, "Non sine multo risu," as Sir Patricius expressed himself, for Tyrconnel Castle.