A young man may think it a fine thing to be independent in social matters. He will soon find that he cannot afford in life to be independent of anything except an evil influence. If he prefers the society of loungers in liquor-saloons or at hotel-bars, he needs nothing but a limitless supply of money. His friends there require the observance of only one rule of etiquette—he must “treat” regularly. To young men who hunger for that kind of independence and that sort of friends I have nothing to say, except that it is easy to prophesy their ruin and disgrace. If a man has no better ambition than to die in an unhonored grave or to live forsaken in an almshouse, let him make up his mind to be “independent.” The world in which you will live is exacting, and you can no more succeed and defy its exactions than you can stick your finger into a fire and escape burning.
Even in the question of clothes—which seems to most of us entirely our own affair—society exacts obedience. You cannot wear slovenly clothes to church, for instance, and expect to escape the indignation of your dearest friends.
In the most rigid of European countries, if one happens to be presented to the king one wears no gloves: one would as soon think of wearing gloves as of wearing a hat. Similarly, according to the strictest etiquette in European countries, people generally take off their gloves at the Canon of the Mass, and, above all, when they approach the altar, because they are in the special presence of God, the King of heaven and earth. How different is the practice of some of us! We lounge into church as we would into a gymnasium, with no outward recognition of the Presence of God except a “dip” towards the tabernacle or an occasional and often inappropriate thumping of the stomach, which is, I presume, supposed to express devotion.
It is as easy to bring a flower touched by the frost back to its first beauty as to restore conduct warped by habit. And so, if you want to acquire good manners that will be your passport to the best the world has, begin now by guarding yourself from every act that may infringe on your neighbor’s right, from every word that will give him needless pain, and from every gesture at table which may interfere with his comfort. We cannot begin to discipline ourselves too soon; it is good, as the Scripture says, “that a man bear the yoke when he is young.”
Social rules, as I said, are very stringent on the seemingly unimportant matter of clothes: so a man must not wear much jewelry, under pain of being considered vulgar. He may wear a pin, or a ring, or a watch-chain, if he likes; but for a young man, the less showy these are, the better. It may be said that there are a great many people who admire diamonds, and who like to see many of them worn. This is true; but if a young man puts a small locomotive headlight in his bosom, or gets himself up in imitation of a pawnbroker’s window, he may be suspected of having robbed a bank. It is certain that he will show very bad taste. Lord Lytton, the author of “Pelham,” who was a great social authority, says that a man ought to wear no jewelry unless it is exquisitely artistic or has some special association for the wearer.
If a young man is invited to a dinner or to a great assembly in any large city, he must wear a black coat. A gray or colored coat worn after six o’clock in the evening, at any assembly where there are ladies, would imply either disrespect or ignorance on the part of the wearer. In most cities he is expected to wear the regulation evening dress, the “swallow-tail” coat of our grandfathers, and, of course, black trousers and a white tie. In London or New York or Chicago a man must follow this last custom or stay at home. He has his choice. The “swallow-tail” coat is worn after six o’clock in the evening, never earlier, in all English-speaking countries. In France and Spain and Italy and Germany it is worn as a dress of ceremony at all hours. No man can be presented to the Holy Father unless he wears the “swallow-tail,” so rigid is this rule at Rome, though perhaps an exception might be made under some circumstances.
In our country, where the highest places are open to those who deserve them, a young man is foolish if he does not prepare himself to deserve them. And no man can expect to be singled out among other men if he neglects his manners or laughs at the rules which society makes. Speaking from the spiritual or intellectual point of view, there is no reason why a man should wear a white linen collar when in the society of his fellows; from the social point of view there is every reason, for he will suffer if he does not. Besides, he owes a certain respect to his neighbors. A man should dress according to circumstances: the base-ball suit or the Rugby flannels are out of place in the dining-room or the church or the parlor, and the tall hat and the dress suit are just as greatly out of place in the middle of the game on the playground. Good sense governs manners; but when in doubt, we should remember that there are certain social rules which, if learnt and followed, will serve us many mortifications and even failures in life.
No man is above politeness and no man below it. Louis the Fourteenth, a proud and autocratic monarch, always raised his hat to the poorest peasant woman; and a greater man than he, George Washington, wrote the first American book of etiquette.
II. Rules of Etiquette.
The social laws that govern the Etiquette of Entertainments of all kinds are as stringent and as well defined as any law a judge interprets for you. It may be thought that one may do as he pleases at the theatre, in a concert-room, or at a dinner-party; that little breaches of good manners will pass unobserved or be forgiven because the person who commits them is young. This is a great mistake. More is expected from the young than the old; and if a young man comes out of college and shows that he is ignorant of the rules of etiquette which all well-bred people observe, he will be looked on as badly brought up. There are certain finical rules which are made from time to time, which live a brief space and are heard of no more. The English, who generally set the fashion in these things, call these non-essentials “fads.” They are made to be forgotten.