The Teetotal Mania — Second Epistle to John Bull — The darling Sin of Mrs. John Bull, according to a venerable Archdeacon and a few charitable Ladies — A free-born Briton, Member of the Yellow Ribbon Army.
The Blue Ribbon Army numbers at the present time more than 600,000 soldiers, it is said. A little patience, and the water drinkers will soon be as numerous as the drunkards. What spectacles of eccentric contrasts! Picture to yourself children, urchins of three or four years old, decorated with the blue ribbon; men and women persuaded into pledging themselves in writing that they will never touch wine, beer, or any other alcoholic drink. What folly! and, at the same time, what a confession of weakness! Is it not, in fact, asking them to sign that, since they do not know how to stop when they have quenched their thirst, they will swear to touch no drink whatever? And you, John, my friend, you are satisfied with this progress; you rub your hands with pleasure and admiration; you are going to close your taverns, and forbid your grocers to sell wines, beer, and spirits: are you simple enough to imagine that a people is to be made virtuous by Act of Parliament? Your parsons and old maids, who know that about a hundred million pounds sterling is annually spent upon alcohol, move heaven and earth to divert this golden stream into the coffers of the Church, to take it out of the devil’s clutches and give it to God; and you take all they say for Gospel, without perceiving that you are simply working for a few shrewd speculators, who are delighted to have an opportunity of trading upon your pretensions to virtue, in order to cover themselves with both profit and honour.
Do you remember, for instance, that a little while ago, the Gospel Temperance Society of Edinburgh was hard up, because it had to pay a hundred pounds sterling to a gentleman who, during a whole month, had talked himself hoarse in trying to prove to the inhabitants of Auld Reekie that, if they would ensure their welfare in this world ... and the next, they must drink nothing but water, and that the said Society had also to pay the hotel bill of this good apostle, a bill that amounted to £52 13s.? By Jove! More than fifty-two pounds for a month’s board and lodging! Water is expensive in Edinburgh!
Do you not think that your working classes would look much healthier, if instead of weak tea and bread more or less buttered, you made them breakfast off good soup, or even drink a glass of sound home-brewed ale? It is not total abstinence, but moderation, that should be preached: moderation,[7] a word that seems to be fast dying out of your vocabulary. It is not wine, but vice, that makes the drunkard, says the Chinese proverb; it is not the wine or the beer then, but the vice, that it should be your effort to suppress.
[7] Temperance means moderation (temperare), and not total abstinence.
In medio veritas et virtus; but the motto of your island unhappily seems to be In extremis dementia. Your arms carry too far, and you kill nothing.
All those insensate doctrines make a few fanatics and hypocrites, but comparatively few serious proselytes, and, moreover, they tend to produce the most violent reactions. Besides, do not forget that your tea which you swallow in such quantities, your lemonade, and all the tribe of artificial and teetotal drinks, have made you bilious, old fellow; yes, bilious, dyspeptic, hypochondriac, morose, and crabbed; and you ought to know that no Divine law forbids us to enjoy the good things that Providence has strewn around us for our use, though the law of Nature does teach us to use them with discretion.
You laugh at us because, when we are at table with our family, we do not scruple to cover our chest with our serviette; you are much amused at our commercial travellers, who, at a table d’hôte, bravely tie it around their necks, and set to work as if they meant to do serious execution, and you exclaim, “What gluttons! How they eat!”
But you are a little bit jealous, dear boy, that is all. Yes, at table, we set aside our cares, we are happy, we talk and laugh with our wives and children, and make the pleasure last as long as we can. And if we have found the secret of happiness and gaiety, we inspire more envy than pity, believe me; and if you had not ruined your digestion with your tea and other unhealthy slops, if you were to forget a little of your insular dignity while you are at table, and make a little progress in your cookery, you would probably find that, after all, gaiety is an excellent thing, even if it should come from a good digestion.
I know very well you will reply that your only aim in this world is to secure your salvation in the next. I know this takes up a great deal of your time; but as it does not prevent your taking a great interest in your banking account, and a thousand other little mundane matters, I conclude that, if you, like ourselves, hope to reach paradise one day, like ourselves also, you are not in a hurry to set out. Really, do leave us alone with your tea, cocoa, and other salvation potions. Drink water, if it suits your taste; for England is a free country. But for goodness’ sake, let other people drink what they like.