"Well, you'd see me in a better light. Not that I say a word against the poetry and mysticism—misty schism, not bad, eh?—of our native fogs. Still, you can have too much of a good thing—when it's fog."
"Or optimism," she sighed, switching off the light, and restoring the glamour of ever-thickening fog, till the entrance of another aggravatingly cheerful being obliged her to light one of the two umbrella lamps that impeded progress in that part of the room not entirely blocked by screens and potted palms and small and easily upsettable tables, laden with frail and cherished trifles and phalanxes of photographs, such as strew the suburban pilgrim's progress from door to fireplace with stumbling-blocks, pitfalls and stones of offence.
Just because Ermengarde's head ached and she had fallen into a vein of pleasing melancholy and wanted to think things out in the firelight that afternoon, people came trooping in, all breathing visible breath and complaining of the fog, each alluding to its density, dirt and inconvenience, as if it were an entirely new and startling experience, peculiar to each separate individual.
An elderly woman in costly sables had to sit and cough in a corner for five solid minutes before she was capable of receiving or imparting instructions in the natural history of fog. She was going, she said, when able to speak, to try a winter in Algiers. The sooner she began to try the better, Ermengarde thought. A ruddy John Bull friend was off to Hyères—or Cannes—he was not sure which—for golf; a grey retired general, purple from semi-asphyxiation, was bound for the same place for the same reason. People were going to San Remo, to Alassio, to Bordighera, to Nice, to Biarritz, to Davos, chiefly, to judge from their remarks, to find congenial British society and avoid foreigners—especially Germans. Somebody was going to motor to Rome, thence through Florence, Venice and Dalmatia, going on to Athens, and taking Buda-Pesth, Innspruck, the Tyrol, the Black Forest, Belgium and Holland on the return journey; "that is, if we ever do return," one of the party thoughtfully observed. Hotels, routes, the vexatiousness of Customs, the iniquitous slowness of Continental trains, the wholesale plundering of baggage in the native land of brigands, and the drawbacks of foreign cookery and sanitation, were discussed and illustrated by personal experience, until Ermengarde felt that she had been everywhere and there was nowhere in particular to go to, though she was longing to go there again.
"I should like a little sun," she said plaintively at dinner; whereupon Arthur observed, with the jocular and banal brutality of his kind, that he should prefer a little daughter, and that their Charlie was quite handful enough, and Ermengarde returned haughtily that people should be above chestnuts, especially when they were Joe Millers.
Then, prompted by some malicious demon, Arthur asked if she would like some more hats, and Ermengarde rejoined that of all ill propensities incidental to fallen humanity she especially disliked nagging.
Arthur looked frowningly on a table-centre, nicely embroidered in gold by one of His Majesty's Oriental subjects, and silence reigned till dessert.
When a silence of this kind occurs in a society entirely composed of two people, it is difficult to put an end to it gracefully, or even naturally; the longer it lasts the more difficult it becomes. First there is a question of which ought to begin; and, as each always decides that the other should, matters are not advanced. Next is the question of what to say; and that is almost as insoluble unless some lucky accident, such as fire, burglars, or an explosion of gas on the premises, should furnish unexpected impersonal matter of interest. Ermengarde almost wished that the kitchen boiler would burst, or the cook be discovered drunk and disorderly on the kitchen stairs—the frost had not been hard enough to burst the water-pipes, and the man never calls for the rates at that hour—for then Arthur would have to say something, though it would probably be unsuitable for publication; while the miserable Arthur could think of no topic unconnected with hats—"What became of those beastly hats of yours? Why not sell the lot?"—cudgel his brains and tear his moustache as he might.
Small minds may consider hats as too petty and insignificant to be of any moment in human affairs, but large minds think on a corresponding scale, and even hats bulk grandly in commanding intellects. The Pope has three, for what is a tiara but a hat in full dress? And what intrigues and schemes, what ambitions, heart-burnings and disappointments, what strifes and despairs may encircle the hat of one single Cardinal! Then there is the hat of Gessler upon the historic pole—not the human—how it brightens the dull page of history to the youthful mind, and what exciting things resulted from its transference from its natural elevation to the wooden eminence so familiar on the pictured page of childish memory! The triple hat of a lost industry, that of the extinct Old Clo' man, how rich it was in symbolism! The Quaker tile, immovable as a rock in the presence of man or woman however august, and retained at considerable personal inconvenience in hot rooms and public buildings, how full of meaning and mystery is, or rather was, the Quaker tile! And that hat of the gorgeous East, the turban, with its next-of-kin, the fez or the tarbush; and the metal-pot of the warrior of so many ages and countries, the brazen helmet of the Greek warrior and the modern fireman, and the darker helm of the British soldier and the policeman—are they nothing? Then the busby of the Guardsman, and the feather bonnet of the Highlander, should they be held lightly? And what of the plumed and aitchless hat of the cockney maiden, the cause of Homeric battles, tears, alarms, and excursions to pawnshops; surely that is a serious matter. Moreover, is not the lovely and lustrous headgear, known as the chimney-pot, the sign and symbol of our present civilization? Has not the dusky and otherwise garbless savage been known to stalk among his peers in proud consciousness of full civilized costume, clad solely in the chimney-pot hat? And who, that has ever been privileged to enjoy histrionic art in the vicinity of dames of high degree, can deny the possibilities of terror, wrath, and doom lurking in that Hat of the Mighty, that lofty and awe-inspiring structure, the Matinée Hat?
Let no man think lightly of hats.