“In the forest and indoors I have been trying to lay the foundation of a new symphony ... but I am not at all satisfied.... Walked in the garden and found the germ, not of a symphony, but of a future Suite.”
“April 17th (29th).
“ ... Jotted down a few ideas.”
“April 19th (May 1st).
“Annoyed with my failures. Very dissatisfied because everything that comes into my head is so commonplace. Am I played out?”
April 24th (May 6th).
“I shall soon be forty-four. How much I have been through, and—without false modesty—how little I have accomplished! In my actual vocation I must say—hand on heart—I have achieved nothing perfect, nothing which can serve as a model. I am still seeking, vacillating. And in other matters? I read nothing, I know nothing.... The period of quiet, undisturbed existence is over for me. There remain agitation, conflict, much that I, such as I am, find hard to endure. No, the time has come to live by oneself and in one’s own way!”
“April 26th (May 8th).
“This morning I worked with all my powers at the Scherzo of the Suite. Shall work again after tea.”
“April 30th (May 12th), 1884.